Exodus 15 – 16

This week’s Bibleriffs! is dedicated to Billy Ray Cyrus and his brood, who were revealed last week as victims of an evil satanic-atheist conspiracy to make them wealthy and successful as fuck. Peep the wax on the GQ article:

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201103/billy-ray-cyrus-mr-hannah-montana-miley

 Yo B-Ray – You best be knowing that I’m gonna pray til’ my junk falls off for y’alls, player. I want you and the world to know that I is not down with satanic-atheist conspiracies, even though I’d rather take a full clip of hot Uzi slugs up the wazoo than listen to one of your brick-stupid overproduced hillbilly jams. You seem like a nice guy B-Ray, buy your tunes is mad corny.

This week is also dedicated to Col. Muammar Gadhafi, who my money say will be dead and dragged through the streets of Tripoli by Spring equinox. See you in hell Muammar! (NOTE: I will not be in hell myself, but rather looking down from heaven mocking him for his moral failings)

 Also, let’s just leave Charlie Sheen alone.

Exodus 15

Summary:

After the defeat of the Egyptians in the Red Sea, everybody was pumped up and ready to spray a sick collective freestyle jam. They sang a song (I trimmed up the phat and translated it to illspeak) so straps in your safe-belt for da Exodus 15 Remix!

 The Lord is exalted as you can see

Both Horse and driver got tossed in the sea

The Lord be my strength and my defense

Egyptian motherfuckers he did dispense

The Lord is a warrior and the king of town

He part the Red Sea just to watch suckas drown

He’s a pissed off homie with a lust to kill

If you try to overtake yo lungs will fill (with saltwater) 

The beat was pumpin’, so Miriam, Moses’ sister, grabbed her timbrel and started a conga line with the finest and flyest Hebrew sisters on the block.

 It was a lot like the end of Return of the Jedi when the Ewoks hosted that ill Death Star-explosion after-party jammy jam – except Miriam and her gang used timbrels instead of Stormtrooper helmets.

 After the motherfuckin’ all-Jewish Girl timbrel party wound down, they went to bed. Next day, they headed into the Desert of Shur. For three days they searched for water. When they finally found some H20, it was super crappy. Moses cried to God, and God tossed him down a stick that would make the H20 not crappy. All the thirsty Hebrews grabbed a piece of that drizzle 4 sizzle.

Then the LORD addressed his peeps: “Look here, y’all. If you listen to me real good, I will spare you of all the bullshit I sprang on those Egyptian fuckers back in the previous chapters. If you don’t, I will give you a collective bitch slap that you will not like at all.”

Then, they went to Elim where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees. They camped there for the night. It sounded rather nice.

Analysis:

The song that drove the narrative for the majority of this chapter was long and boring. If you need to take a nap or something, run your eyes across the original:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+15&version=NIV

Not to toot my own horn, but before you fall asleep while reading this, you will note that my song is actually really accurate and far more efficiently gets the same points across. I am a better writer than Moses, is what I’m saying.

Exodus 16 – Manna and Quail

Summary

Somewheres between Elim and Sinai, the Hebrews crept up to the Desert of Sin, which is not only the name of a filthy strip club outside of Reno that I one time stabbed a guy in back in ’99, but also a crappy real desert east of Egypt. The Israelites were tired, thirsty, hungry, and bored. Buyer’s remorse set in, big time. “Hey Moses – we wish we died by the Lord’s hands back in Egypt. This journey sucks balls! Yeah, we said it!”

Moses couldn’t handle the harsh critique until God pulled him aside. “Look, Moe. Hows about I rain some bread down from heaven and shit. That way, I can test to see if they’ll follow my instructions. On the 6th day, they are to prepare what they get, and that is the day there will be TWICE as much as they gather on the other days.” Or something along those lines.

“Oh, okay,” say Moses, who was pretty much used to God’s super elaborate ways to make a simple point.

The next day, the ground was covered in manna. Moses say, “Eat it now, but don’t keep any of it until morning. Otherwise, it will smell like shit and be covered in maggots. God told me that.”

Some of the Hebrews were all “Fuck that, I’m keeping that shit til wheneves I feel like eating it.” But the next day, lo and behold, those who hoarded their bread woke up pissed off and grossed out.

 So they learned a valuable lesson about storing God’s food which did not use additives or preservatives. So each morning, everyone gathered as much as they needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away, as bread tends to do.

On the sixth day, the Hebrews gathered twice as much as they normally do, per God’s instruction. The next day, there was no manna, for God invented the day of rest and they were no longer allowed to drive a car or operate a stove, even though that shit wasn’t invented yet.

The Israelites pretty much only ate this manna shit in the 40 years it took them to get to Canaan. I’m sure they got sick of it pretty quick.

Analysis:

Like Milk & Honey in the last post, if you google image “manna,” the first image that pops up ain’t some bible shit, but it is this:

http://www.evelinamanna.com/

She’s an Italian model. Fellas (and lesbians) – I say we give her website some hits.

See you in a couple weeks for more Hebrew adventures through the high desert!

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under Agnositic, Athiest, Bible, Exodus, Genesis, Meaning of Life, Moses, Religion, Satire

4 responses to “Exodus 15 – 16

  1. 1.) What range that Evelina has!
    2.) I always thought manna was bird shit?

  2. Is manna really bird shit?
    Evelina certainly does have range. I am just surprised how often I google what I think is a bible term and I get an eyefull of some serious PG-13 rated content!

  3. What!
    I mean, I’ve never actually read the thing, but I hear it’s all full of hookers and crap.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s