Big apologies about the two month gap in the holiest of blogs! First I got all wrapped up with the birth(s) of Jesus Christ and Santa Claus – and then I spent a month in Australia! Though it was a totally awesome trip, my bible-reading analysis had to take a back seat to kicking the shit out of kangaroos and crocodiles and other ill southern hemisphere shit. I also spent a lot of time applying SPF 70, which is thicker than Elmer’s and takes time to rub in. Girl, you knows my skin is whiter than Donnie Osmond to the Brady Bunchth power. I gots 2 reapply like a motherfucker!
When I wasn’t dropping savage down under beasts with my bare hands, I chilled out in the lovely cities of Perth (west west) and Melbourne (east side). These domesticated Australia haunts are actually quite a lot like America. The only difference I noticed was that their money is totally gay. For 110% realz – if you a buff, waxed-up party boy with a deep itchin’ to spin some banging techno and get an ill money-throwing parade going down the main strip of yo town like that crazy Joker did in the original Batman movie, you should most def use Australian currency for that action. People will be blown away about how colorful that shit be when compared to the Joker’s monochromatic money party! Check the wax on the mise-en-scène I threw together to illustrate my point:
Plus, everybody know the aesthetics of American money only appeals to conspiracy theory nerds. Gag me with a spoon!
Alright, enough of this bullshit. Let’s get back to motherfucking Exodus already.
God drops da final Egypt bomb on his boy Moses: “Listen to this shit you bogan cunt; Now that I’ve iced a bunch of bitch-ass first born Egyptian boys, y’all needs to consecrate every one of your firstborns onto me. Seriously. I need me some motherfuckin firstborns for consecration. Get on that, tout suite.”
Moses say “aight” to Big Man. He grabs the bullhorn and spits science to his Jews. “Yo, God wants all firstborns consecrated. Remember that shit, and remember this day that he delivered us from slavery from dumbass Egypt. Oh, and don’t eat any raised bread on the anniversary of this day neither. Now let’s bolt. We got a fuckload of milk and honey to dip into up ahead in the land of Canaanite. That shit was promised to all y’all grandpappies, so now it’s time we cash that chip. For realz.”
As they walks out the door, Moses goes over even more rules of the seven day Passover festival – rules like when and when not to eat unraised bread and when it’s cool to put yeast in some shit. Then he let’s all the folks know that when they get to Canaanite, the first born of every womb belongs to God. That goes for both lady womb and beast womb. But there was some nuance and flex to that rule in regards to beasts. For example, you can redeem the first birth of a donkey if you want by substituting a lamb. That’s handy, I guess. Moses continues by listing a bunch more bullshit about first born sons that goes long and totally screws with the narrative flow of Ex 13. So let’s just cut back to the meat of this very important and true historical account, shall we?
The Jews started on their way out of Egypt. Originally, they were going to cut through the land of Philistines, but God thought to himself, “Fuck that route. Philistines will try to cut my lil’ homies up if they step through their turf – kind of like the way the Orphans will try and step to the Warriors in their eponymous future movie, The Warriors.” So, God directed them down a spooky wilderness road on the way to the Red Sea where nobody lived.
Moses took the bones of Joseph with him (see Genesis 50). He is glad he did, because if they didn’t, the spooky ghost of Joseph would have come after them all and reaped patriarch vengeance from beyond the grave! Wowie-Zowie! That would have made the spooky road to the Red Sea even spookier! God also hooked the Jews up with some ill navigational shit. By day, a Pillar of Cloud, and by night a Pillar of Fire to guide them. A virtual GPS – God Positioning System.
One of the main points to this chapter is that if you’re the type of sucka who digs on leavened bread, you need to step the fuck back and learn to eat unleavened when you celebrating Passover. So don’t be a picky eater, fucksneeze. God will mess you up real bad if you is.
I also learned that Milk and Honey don’t mean what it used to. Nowadays, when you google image that shit and all you end up with is a couple of young ladies dressed like they fixin’ to eat a stack of ecstasy pills before jumping vagina first into a cologne-smelling abyss of anonymous bathroom fucks in the Meatpacking District. I checked into this new school Milk and Honey situation, and it turns out Milk and Honey no be a German girl-girl pop-duo. I found their MySpace page. Myspace, because they are from the year 2007.
They beats suck pretty hard, but did I enjoy the way they bounced lyrically between German and shitty English.
Exodus 14 – The Story and Song of Salvation
God taps Moses on the shoulder. “Tell yo crew to make camp at Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea – and make sure you set up camp on the shore opposite Baal Zephon. That way, Pharaoh’s dumb Egyptian ass will think y’all lost and confused so he’ll send his boys out to get a piece of y’all.”
Moses didn’t like this plan very much. “Fuck that, G. I ain’t even trying to get up on that shore opposite Baal Zephon. The shore opposite Baal Zephon ain’t a place for strategic motherfuckers like me!”
God shook his head in disgust. “No, player. Check the whole plan in it’s entirety before you shit talk it. See, what I’m going to do is harden Pharaoh’s heart one more time, so when he and his crew come at you, they is actually walking into a slickest motherfuckin’ death trap I’ve ever cooked up… in Exodus, anyway. While stuck in their deathtrap, the Egyptians will finally realize that I am God. But then they will be dead right after that.”
“Oh,” Moses lamented. “That’s pretty sweet, I guess.”
Meanwhile, back in Cairo, Pharaoh started to flip the fuck out that he let go of all his slave labor. “Oh, snap. Why’d I do that? Who’s gonna milk my cows and shit? Who gonna wave palms over me and my crew when it gets humid up in this?!? Yo Ronnie – gear up the chariots – we going to the shore opposite Baal Zephon on a Hebrew-slave recovery mission – BIG TIME.” 600 chariots geared up. Shit was totally going down. You could feel it in the air.
It didn’t take long for Pharaoh and his chariots to reach Moses. “Oh no! It’s the jerk off Egyptians!” shouted several of the Hebrews. They were scared and cried to Moses. “You fucked us up, you dick! These Egyptians are going to kill us until we dead! Boo to you Moses, BOO TO YOU!!!”
“Chill out, damn.” Moses mumbled. “Kick back and shut your pie holes. Me and God is about to show you some 4 realz next-level shit like right now. Check this out you dumb unappreciative bastards!”
Moses stretched his hand out over the sea. The seawaters split, giving the Israelites a nice path of dry ground with a wall of water to their left and right. The Egyptians tried to made chase, but their wheels got stuck in the mud. “Oh poopie! This mud is totally making our rolling chariot circles not go to Jews we enslaved! Uh-oh SpagettiOs!” said the Egyptians. That’s when the Egyptians finally realized once and for all that God was on the payroll of the Jews.
Moses then stretched his hands back over the sea and the waters came back down over the Egyptians. They tried to run, but that just made God laugh more as they slowly died in agony. All the Egyptians on the chase died horribly. And with that, the people of Israel finally trusted in God and his main homie Moses. For now.
I can’t visualize parting the Red Sea. A magic bridge would have been more believable.
Stay tuned for next week!