God, quite possibly in Jamie Lee Curtis form (why not?), appeared to Moses yet again. “Hello, Mo. Do me a solid and go before Pharaoh and yadda yadda yadda, shim-sham skip-skippity-bop-a-reno,” i.e., threaten him again with another plague. Though God was starting to sound like a broken record, Moses didn’t dare say anything to His face because God, even in amicable Activa Yogurt-pitchin’ Jamie Lee Curtis form (why not?), is still mo crazy and unpredictable than a Nazi skinhead with nothing to lose swinging around a prison shank covered in Hep C. Moses knew it’s best to give a sucker like that a wide circumference to be crazy in.
Moses goes before Pharaoh all apathetic and shit. “Let my people go… or something.”
“Hey, what’s up, dude?” Pharaoh said with a yawn. “What you got for us this time?”
Moses shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, dude – locusts, I think. Whatever.”
Pharaoh smiles and nods his head. “Bring it.”
Moses lifted his cane and thus brought down the locusts. They ate all the trees and seriously fucked that which was already not fucked from the big ass hail that rained down in the last chapter. They ate the herbs, the maize (or whatever they called corn), falafels, and all the other things Egyptian folks like to chow down on. Everybody who didn’t starve to death was now totally annoyed and grossed out by the locusts. Again, Pharaoh regretted being such a big jerk to Moses, so he invites him back to his crib to negotiate the terms of his conditional surrender. “You can go to the woods and worship your God. It’s all good. I’ll hook all you bitches up with some sweet-ass freedom once you eliminate them doggone locusts!”
Moses, who is now officially a certified dumbass in my book for believing Pharaoh again, lifted up his cane which magically tossed all the locusts into the Red Sea. Once they were gone, Pharaoh, who for the 8th time in a row had his fingers crossed, refused to lift the bondage of the Hebrews.
Enraged, Moses skipped his pointless biweekly meeting with Pharaoh and went right into the 9th plague, 3 days of darkness. At the end of that, Pharaoh brought forth Moses and says, “You know something asshole? I’m starting to get really sick of your bullshit.
“Back at you, fuckface!” Moses shot back.
I’ll admit it. I am Stone Cold Steve Austin running out of clever shit to say about these plagues. They is so goddamn redundant, for sizzles. And to make matters worse, Bill Gates or whatever nerd he placed in charge of fonts for Office 2007 cut Chiller font right out the Microsoft Word rotation, forcing me to use Matisse ITC to spooky-up these illustrations. Matisse ITC is okay, but it just can’t convey the same note of terror that Chiller font always brought to the table.
Nine plagues and nobody yet has learned a goddamn thing – except that Chiller font no longer gets respect over at Microsoft. Fuck you, Bill Gates. I don’t care if you and your girl Melinda are trying to end malaria and make the world a better place and shit. You can start by bringing Chiller font back in the loop. Billy-boy, that is one spooky font! And http://www.bibleriffs.com needs it default. Trust me, I’ve read ahead to Leviticus. Leviticus with all it’s rules and regulations and shit need it some Chiller font for reals.
God, in lovable old man George Burns form (why not?), say to Moses. “Okay, Gracie. You’ve been a real peach about the whole plague/Pharaoh being a cunt thing. This next and final plague is going to be sweet. At midnight tonight, I’m going to kill all the first born sons of Egypt. Get ready to laugh your ass off when they all die horribly.”
Moses’ jaw dropped. “You icing all the first born sons of Egypt? For realz-ies?”
“4 double 4-realz-ies,” God replied. “There will be a great cry throughout the land of Egypt, for the collective murder of all first born sons in Egypt is some shocking shit for a lot of people to handle. After that, you and all the peeps of Israel will be off to the promised land in a jiffy. Egyptians are going to be too freaked out by y’all to keep you as slaves.”
God tells Moses some very specific ways to make yeast-free bread and prepare lamb and/or goat for a special dinner. He then say, “Smear some of dat lamb’s blood on yo door, because any motherfucker without blood smeared on their door is going to feel really rotten the next day when their first born son is all dead and shit.”
With that, the Lord invented Passover, which to this day is still a holiday for faithful Jews, a holiday-within-a-holiday for faithful Christians (Holy Thursday), and just a regular day like any other for people going to hell (Buddhists, Zoroastrianists, atheists, etc).
When the clock (or whatever ancient caveman shit God carried with Himself back then to tell time) struck 12, God went from door to door like some sort of reverse-Santy Clause and killed all the first born sons of Egypt. Everybody in Egypt were suddenly very sad and crying a lot. LOL.
Note: Exodus 12:31-42 is the self titled track, if you will, of the book of Exodus.
Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron. Crying, he pointed towards Canaan. “Grab your shit, your donkeys, your goats, and get the fuck out of Egypt. You killed my son you fucking dickheads.”
Moses packs their shit and they leave. They (the Israelites) lived in Egypt for 430 years total.
The rest of the chapter (43 – 50) God and Moses discuss regulations for the Passover meal. Basically, you can be a non-Jew and celebrate it with your Jewish friends as long as you’re circumcised. Serving pork is also a big no-no.
It must have really sucked to be a practicing vegan/vegetarian back then. When doing His little door to door genocide, I wonder if God would have put it together if somebody smeared tofu or textured vegetable protein on their door. I wonder if He was like, “Oh yeah! I almost forgot that the Epstein family be practicing vegans. I suppose I’ll refrain from brutally murdering the little boy who lives in this house.”
I’ve been to a Passover meal or two in my day, but it was with secular, laid-back Jews. I wonder if the strict Jews do a dick check on gentiles sitting down for the feast. That would be a really awkward way to start a meal, especially if you have a really small and/or uncircumcised dick, or if you only pretending to be a man like Barbara Streisand in Yentl.
In two weeks:
Exodus continues with some more shit! Pharaoh is still pissed off about something or other! Something completely unrealistic happens to the Red Sea! Be thar!