Oh, shit. It’s plague week yo (part one of duce). But before we rap about that, I got to shine a light and apologize for a couple of bonehead things I did in the last post.
Even the dopest of all bible scholars (me) sometimes fuck up the program from time to time. My homegirl Rachel from USF pointed out some relevant shit to me in response to last week’s foreskin action that went down in Exodus 4:
Hell yeah I want to know that! If I’m truly gunning for that number one spot in bible interpretation blogs, I best be knowing that ‘dick’ and ‘feet’ is some interchangeable terms! Thanks Rachel! Also, I’d like to thank the Bible Skillz department at the University of South Florida (or possibly the University of San Francisco) for schooling you proper on the dick/feet connection! May no fucked up bible plagues mess with yo’ ecosystem – wherever you at!
I also messed up when Moses and Aaron turned their cane into a snake in front of Pharaoh. Sorry. In case you didn’t notice, last post I got a little carried away with the concept of the snake-cane and thus got a little bit ahead of myself. Though they did actually stand before Pharaoh, they actually didn’t do the snake cane until chapter 7 (see below)*.
And now, Plague Week (1 of 2) begins!
When we last left off, Moses be all complaining about his substandard people skills to God. So God say, “Listen up, dude. Next time you see Pharaoh, I’m going to make him think you’re God – you know, me. But then I’m going to ‘harden Pharaoh’s heart’ (i.e., make him act like a mean old poopie-face) just so I can learn him on some destructive shit I have been planning to drop on the motherfucker. Between you and me Mo, I got a phat stack of creative-ass plagues and shit I’m straight up itchin’ to drop on homeboy. And when I do, I am going to smack down Egypt super hard and spray judgment all over everybody’s face, even though most of them probably have nothing to do with your bondage and technically don’t deserve it. Anyway, I am the Lord and I rule!”
Though Moses and Aaron thought the plan was a bit over-elaborate, they went with it anyway. And they are now 80 and 83, respectively. When Pharaoh see them, he was like, “Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. Pee-pee Pants’! For some reason, I know you are God. But for some reason, I also don’t care. Therefore, I ain’t freeing shit. But show me some top shelf Hebrew magic tricks before you get out of my face!”
*Aaron then threw down the cane (for the first time) and it turned into a snake. Pharaoh was like “Whoop-de-fucking-do.” Pharaoh’s magicians come in from behind the throne and did the same trick right back at Aaron and Moses. Moses was like “Oh dang! We totally got served!”
But then Aaron’s like, “Not quite. Check this shit out, motherfuckers!!!” With that, Aaron’s top shelf magic snake cane slithered up to Pharaoh’s bootleg magic snake canes and sucked them down in one gulp like some dude in a navy blue hoodie tossing down a White Castle burger.
Pharaoh shrugged his shoulders and yawned. “Whateves. I still don’t give a rat’s foot (dick).” Bummed out, Moses and Aaron split.
The next day, God tells Moses to go to the Nile with the snake cane. “But instead of turning the cane into a snake, use the cane to turn the Nile into a river of blood. The fish will die and everybody will be freaked out. And Pharaoh will totally be grossed out by it! You going to laugh your ass off when you see how much blood will be everywhere.”
So, Aaron initiated Plague Numero Uno and everybody, except for vampires, got really thirsty. Pharaoh, though totally grossed out by, didn’t budge with the Hebrew bondage issue.
Man, I bet the Red Cross would give its metaphoric left nut to hop on a time machine and get back to ol’ Egypt and scores them up some of that river-blood for today’s blood banks. It would probably save a lot of lives. But unfortunately, that flux capacitor shit is totally unrealistic, so let’s all give blood right now. For reals.
I bet vampires would love this story of Plague Numero Uno if the Bible didn’t burn their hands when they touched it or make their eyes explode when they read it. If I ever met a vampire, I would totally tell him/her the story so they could appreciate it. Then, I would probably kill he/she, because vampires, even the laid back Mormon hippie ones in the Twilight series, are technically cannibals. Cannibals are not only repulsive and totally insane, they are also like ticking time bombs when around regular folk like you and me (unless you are reading this and you are a vampire). Because if they (vampires/cannibals) get hungry, you will start to look like h’ordeuvres to them. Yikes!
The bible always be changing fluids into other fluids. I know that later on Jesus turns water into wine, and then wine into blood, or more accurately, ‘blood that still tastes and looks exactly like wine and it is either symbolic or literal metamorphosis depending on where you hang your church hat on Sunday.’ Either way, I think it would be rather dope if I could alter the chemical makeup of liquids. I would probably go down to Trader Joe’s and turn some crappy-ass two buck chuck into good wine and throw a party for the fanciest people in all of Manhattan!
Next thing I would do is turn children’s tears into hot chocolate. That way, if a kid gets sad or cranky, she/he could comfort her/him self with some nice hot chocolate that was pouring out of their tear ducts which would make them happy again so they’d stop crying on the cross town M96 bus when I’m trying to read the goddamn Reader’s Digest large print edition.
Then, I would turn water into gasoline and join OPEC.
A week later, the water went back to normal. Then God say, “Moses! Go back to Pharaoh and tell him ‘to let my people go or a plague of frogs is going to mess up the situation. Frogs are going to come out of the river and be everywhere from ovens to kneading bowls to all up in your grill hopping and making ribbit sounds and it will totally be annoying.’ Do it now, man!”
So, Moses did it and Aaron raised his staff again over the Nile and immediately the water was clogged up with frogs and they started hopping all over the joint. Attack of the frogs, yo!
Pharaoh didn’t like this plague so much. He begged to Moses, “Please! Tell God I’m sorry I’ve been fucking with him. Tell him to lift the plague and I will let your people go. Really, I totally, totally, totally means it for totally reals.”
So, Moses called to the Lord and the Lord stopped the plague. All the frogs died and they put them in big pile that started smelling up Egypt real bad. Pharaoh, who had his fingers crossed when he begged Moses for the repeal of the frog plague, refused to set the Hebrews free because he was pissed off that God made Egypt so smelly.
So, this pattern continues for the rest of the chapter with gnats and then flies. At the end of the chapter (post flies), Pharaoh is still a total dick about freeing the Hebrews and Moses is super-fucking pissed off.
Three more plagues get dropped on Egypt. First, God murders all the Egyptian livestock so nobody could have cheeseburgers in Egypt no more. Boo! Then, He gave them a plague of festering boils, which totally sucked and was grodie – especially for teens! Pharaoh still wouldn’t play, so God sent down a plague of softball-sized hail which killed everybody caught outside in it except for those who lived in Goshen (Hebrews).
Pharaoh begged Moses. “No, for reals this time. End the plague and I will set y’all free. Really, really, really. I swear on my grandmother’s pyramid where she is mummified.”
Moses say, “Alright dude. I totally believe you.”
So, Moses called onto the Lord to stop the rain. He did, but again Pharaoh was crossing his fingers. Moses lifted he fist up to the sky and screamed to Pharaoh, “You are such a goddamn leg (dick)! I am totally mad at you now, for reals!”
According to the good folks at Answers.com, there are 10 plagues total. We’ve only hit seven so far, so
1. (Exodus 7:14-25) rivers and other water sources turned to blood (‘Dam’)
2. (Exodus 7:26-8:11) amphibians (commonly believed to be frogs) (‘Tsfardeia’)
3. (Exodus 8:12-15) lice or gnats (‘Kinim’)
4. (Exodus 8:16-28) wild animals (‘Arov’)
5. (Exodus 9:1-7) disease on livestock (‘Dever’)
6. (Exodus 9:8-12) unhealable boils (‘Shkhin’)
7. (Exodus 9:13-35) hail mixed with fire (‘Barad’)
So, what the fuck are the next three? Looks like you got to wait until next week to find out! (or just go to the top of the page and look at the scroll)
Thanks for reading, and check out the link below if you want to see some ill bible shit go down in Lego form.