God, still shredding up the scene in His burning bush from, tells Moses to let all the Hebrews from around the way know that they is all now officially in cahoots. Moses, who knows it’s a hard sell to get your kin to change up their shit because you shared words with a burning bush, gears up to get his kvetch on when God cuts him off. God say, “Throw down your staff to the ground and check out what happens.” Moses do it, and his staff turns into a snake. Moses flips out as the snake chases him in circles as it tries to bite him in the face. God then say, “Don’t be such a pussy, Moses. Grab the thing by the tail and it will turn back into your staff.”
Moses gathers his courage and grabs the snake by the tail, and just like God say, it turns back into his staff. “Oh shit! That shit was phat as shit!”
God was all, “Yeah it was. Now check this one out; Put your hand in your pocket and take it out.” Moses followed God’s instructions. When he took his hand out of the pocket, it was suddenly all fucked up and leprous.
“Ouchie! What’d you do, man?” Moses yelped. “Why’d you give me hand herpes?”
God laughed. “There’s no such thing as ‘hand herpes’ you dumb bastard! It’s called leprosy. But chill out, dude. Put it back into your pocket and pull it back out again.” Moses did what God say, and when he took it back out, it was all normal and shit again. “Oh snap! It’s all good now.”
“That’s right, Moses,” God continued. “Now you got two dope ass magic tricks to make people believe that you and me is in cahoots. And if they still don’t believe you after dropping them bombs, you can also take water from the Nile and turn it into blood.”
“Fuck yeah, that’s sick. I invented sick. I’m God, motherfucker!”
Though now fully loaded with a trilogy of dope new magic tricks, Moses was starting to get weirded out by God. He gets all, “Thanks for all the attention, oh greatest master of the universe. But can’t you have someone else do this? I’m like… terrified of public speaking.”
The Lord God rolled his eyes. “Goddamn, you suck, dude. I guess I’ll get your brother, Aaron the Levite to help you for a little bit until you feel comfortable addressing crowds on your own.
With that, Moses packs his camel and goes back to Egypt. God instructed him to do all his new dope magic tricks in front of the Hebrews to prove how awesome He is. Then, he was to step up to the new Pharaoh and treat him like a bitch and then threaten to kill his first born son in order to pressure him into freeing the Hebrews.
So, on the way to Egypt, at a place where Moses and his family had stopped for the night, the Lord rather suddenly decided to kill Moses because he had forgotten to get their son circumcised. But Moses’ wife Zipporah, who was a hella quick thinker, whipped out a flint knife and quickly circumcised her son before God had a chance to ice Moses. She then touched the boys feet with the foreskin and said to God, “Look dude, I chopped off the foreskin. Chill the fuck out and leave us be.” After that, the Lord left them and the severed foreskin alone.
Then Aaron, Moses brother, met him in the desert. Moses showed him all his dope magic tricks and Aaron was super fucking impressed with that shit, and he knew the elders of Israel would be impressed too. And they were. They immediately started worshiping God at that point, for His magic tricks were far too great not to worship.
Man, I want me a goddamn snake cane more than anything. I bet if I had a snake that turned into a cane, the CIA would be all up on me trying to gank it. There’s an old saying where I come from that applies here – “a motherfucker with a snake cane is a motherfucker in demand.” That is some ill technology/sorcery for sure!
It was probably a good thing that I didn’t have a snake cane back in junior high, or I bet half the kids on my bus would be dead. Shit always got out of hand on that ol’ bus, and the snake cane would have fucking thrived probably a bit too well in that unstable atmosphere.
Oh, there’s actually a really important message here – if you get word that God is fixin’ to kill you, the best thing to do is circumcise the closest uncircumcised penis to wherever you standing and put the severed foreskin on your foot like it’s a mini little hacky sack. Remember that shit, yo. God totally hates foreskin, even though he invented it.
Moses and Aaron go before the Pharaoh. They say that he gots to let the Hebrews go so they can throw a party in God’s honor in the woods.
Pharaoh got all whatevs on the brothers. He say, “I don’t know this ‘God’ dude, you speak of. So, there will be no party for religion nerds in the woods while I’m running shit. Now git on out of here and make some bricks and get the fuck out my face!”
Aaron looks over to Moses. He didn’t have to say it. “Activate snake cane” was implied with his raised eyebrow.
Moses and Aaron are whisked off. Pharaoh commands his slave drivers to up the brick making quotas on the slaves without providing them the raw materials because he’s a total dick. Everybody then got pissed at Moses, because obviously, he can’t negotiate for shit. Moses yelled up to God. “Why’d you make me go before Pharaoh? I told you! I can’t negotiate for shit!”
God quickly replied to Moses. “Pharaoh did what? Oh, man. I’m going to fuck that sucka up on the permanent tip. Oh, and by the way, my name is Yahweh. This is the first time I be revealin’ my real motherfuckin’ name to anybody. Believe that shit. And also, I’m still going to hook your peoples up with the land of Canaan and shit. I know that shit is dragging along, but chill out.”
God then told Moses to go before his peoples and tell them everything he just told him. They were bummed out and tired from their new, even crappier slavery treatment that just came down on them, so they were kinda in ‘fuck Moses’ mode. Moses again whines about how he is a bad public speaker.
Moses, who only four chapters ago murdered a dude, is getting really hung up about this public speaking-negotiating thing. Dude, you’re a murderer! All I’m saying is, beating a man to death has got to be harder than public speaking or negotiating some shit. I’d rather public speak for like 10 days in a row than kill a dude. Murder is very illegal!
God is sending Moses on a wild goose chase like he pledging TEΦ or something. TEΦ was a fraternity back at my college where all these dickbags wore purple sneakers and submitted to shit because they were weak minded motherfuckers. Anyway, they dissolved their charter because of some date rape allegations. What do this have to do with Exodus 6? Well, I guess the message is, think for yourself and be your own man, Moses/ TEΦ pledges. God/TEΦ brothers is/are treating you like dogshit.
Next week – God totes commits genocide! Moses acts slightly less like a whiny baby! It’s still a total sausage fest! It’s Exodus 7 – 9 playerz!