Genesis is now behind us and I hopes to God you learned a lot of bullshit about that shit. Though I would love to go back and milk every last drop of wisdom out of it, that would kinda be like continuing the band Genesis without charismatic front man Peter Gabriel. And that would totally blow.
Peek those millionaire assholes that I Photoshopped a translucent Ghostbusters sign over. What the hell are they looking at over they shoulder? The goddamn past?
Anyhoot, Exodus is where the party at now, playerz! Spoiler Alert! I read ahead, and let it be known that Exodus is both gnarly and badass, just like the intense thrash metal band with the same name (Exodus) who once had Kirk Hammett in their ranks before he defected to Metallica in 1983. Ergo, get pumped, yo, for a brand new chapter in the dopest book ever written is abouts to fly at yo’ face like poo in prison.
So, without further ado…
Time passed, and all yo favorite homies from the book of Genesis, except God, is now long dead. But the decedents of the sons of Jacob continued to spray their seed and were hella fruitful Egypt. The Hebrew crew grew, and they was large (literally) and motherfuckin’ in charge (figuratively).
A new Pharaoh came into power. Unfortunately, this new Pharaoh was always getting his narcolepsy on during Social Studies class as a youngster. Therefore, he had no idea who Joseph be when he laid on his crown. He developed a crazy theory that all these Israelite folks were gonna get all sleeper cell on the Egyptians and help phantom invaders get in and gum up their shit, kind of like the way Americans who live in the middle of nowhere and watch too much Hannity or some shit freak out about Arabs and atheists (or the dreaded Arab-atheist!) doing the same thing here in America.
So, Pharaoh enslaved the fuck out of the Hebrews to make sure they don’t fuck shit up.
Then, shit got even worse! Pharaoh told the Egyptian midwives to murder, like right in front of they mama they just met face to face, any Hebrew boy that comes out the womb. But the midwives, who were scared of God and/or thought babies were too cute to murder, totally wouldn’t do it.
When Pharaoh found out that the midwives weren’t killing the babies, he was like, “Fuck y’all. From now on, you best be tossing them Hebrew boys in the Nile, or I’m gonna get super pissed off.”
Holy crap! This new Pharaoh is totally psychotic! You best duck the fuck down and stay on the DL, newborn Hebrew boys!
Wait. Where the fuck God at? If he don’t show up soon, people are gonna stop believing in him!
Two cousins from the house of Levi got married and made love one night until the sun came up. A boy was born nine months later, and the baby mama hid him from Pharaoh. Three months later she got tired of playing hide the baby, so she put him in a papyrus basket and sent him down the Nile. You’d think she’d be upset about it, but everybody involved, including the farm animals, were chill with it enough to smile (see below).
Pharaoh’s daughter found him while bathing and was like, “Oh, shit – free Hebrew baby, bitches!” She named him Moses, and kept him as her own. Score!
Moses became a man. One day, he was chillin’ on the corner when he saw an Egyptian dude beating the fuck out of some Hebrew dude. Glancing around, Moses saw no one so he crept up on that mean old Egyptian and killed him with a big brown Fred Flintstone club. He hid the body in the bushes.
The next day, Moses again was chillin’ on the corner. This time, he saw a couple of Hebrews dudes throwing bare knuckles at each other like they was in a Guy Ritchie movie or something. He didn’t know what to do, kill them both, save them both, or see which one was more Hebrew and take his side. He asked them what was up. One said, “Yo! It’s the dude who killed the Egyptian the other day and thought he got away with it. You in BIG trouble, dude!”
Moses was scared, and he was sure his goose was cooked. He thought nobody had peeped him commit murder and then hide the body! But alas, everybody knew that shit – from the the local baker, to the bare knuckle brawlers, all the way up to Pharaoh.
Pharaoh tried to kill Moses, but Moses was too slick for him and managed to creep out of town to a place called Midian. Once there, he met a nice girl named Zipporah. They fucked and had a kid named Gershom. Then, while still in hiding, Pharaoh died. And then God suddenly remembered his covenant(s) with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and had renewed concern for Hebrew wellbeing.
One day, while Moses was tending flock for his in-laws, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a burning bush. God spoke from the bush and said what up to Moses. Moses was totally tripped out by the burning bush, because that shit is atypical.
God told Moses to shut the fuck up so He could spill out his dope revenge plan to trip up them Egyptian assholes and then bring the Israelites to a place where there is milk and honey. Moses was then like, “What’s your name, dude?”
God’s like, “I am who I am,” which is something Eminem once said in a song, I think.
Then Moses was like. “Cool. But for real, what’s your name, flaming bush dude?”
“The Lord!” yelled God. “And fuck all them Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. We going to kill those bitches together! Now crew up and let’s get going to Israel, motherfucker!”
That’s what I’m talking about! Looks like we got the old genocidal God back! Hooray!
When God start spittin’ about milk and honey and shit, I gots to admit I started jonesin’hard for a bowl of them Crispy Wheats n’ Raisins. But guess what I found out, yo? They don’t even make them shits no more!
RIP, CWn’R. Check out this commercial and remember the good times.
But seriously kids, burning bushes is a major fire hazard. If you ever see one, you ought to put it out as best you can and call the fire department.
Tune in next week. Murder! God! Moses! Shit is certainly heating up next week!
NEXT WEEK – EXODUS 4 – 5