It’s been one hell of a week for all my Protestant schism motherfuckers out there who are sick and tired of all the free press that dusty ol’ Roman Catholic Church always be cashing in on when it comes to sexual abuse scandals. That’s why this week’s Bibleriffs! is dedicated to the hottest sociopath-hypocrite child molester in the Protestant clergy – Mr. Big Time himself… Bishop Eddie Long!
Way to go, Eddie! Your google stats right now are straight up BLAZIN’. Now, let’s finish up Genesis and have a party!
Chapter 46: Jacob’s Migration to Egypt
Though he was full of doubt about both the trip and the final destination, Jacob packed up the camel, a herd of cattle, and his 66 member family and headed west towards Egypt to be with little Joe, the top-notch motherfuckin’ ace of all Egypt proper. On the way, he stopped in Beer-sheba and God put on his therapist hat and appeared to a stressed out Jacob. God was all, “Cool out, Jacob, don’t project your anxieties onto Egypt. It’s super laid back there for you and your people.” (for now! See Exodus)
When they get to Egypt, Joseph tells Jacob that he’s going to have to hook them up with a crib just outside of Egypt in a land called Goshen. Since they were shepherds, whom Egyptians considered to be an abomination, the new host nation didn’t feel inclined to mix with them Hebrews, which was news to Jacob.
Oh snap. There ain’t nothing worse than showing up to a joint under the false assumption that your host will have minimum expectations for you, only to find out they need you take off your shoes before you walk in, or unironically pray before a meal, or make you live down the street because they find your day job repulsive. That blows!
Joe tells Pharaoh that his pops is here and wants to settle in Goshen. Pharaoh say “Coolio.”
After the Goshen shit got settled, new administrative problems pop up as the world-wide famine got hella worse. After selling the corn and grain from the silos back to the Egyptians for many years, all the regular Joe Schmo Egyptian folks stone cold ran out their Benjamins. Joseph cooked up the idea to barter food in exchange for their livestock. That worked for a bit, but eventually, the Egyptian Schmo’s ran out of livestock, too. So Joseph bartered them food in exchange for their land and their servitude. They agreed, and from then on, the Egyptians were required to give the Pharaoh one fifth of all of their produce. They didn’t seem to mind, though. Slavery tomorrow was better than no tri-tip and corn cob on the Barbie today, right?
At the end of the chapter, when Jacob/Israel is getting close to death, he brings Joseph to him, and makes him promise not to bury him in Egypt. Instead, he is to be buried in the same land where his fathers are buried.
Man, this chapter is more boring than the fine print download legal agreement that I never read when I’m downloading some bullshit off the interweb. Motherfuckers, you know I just click ‘except’ when I wants my software. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this blog, I gots to read the fine print.
Joseph, who’d been my main dude for some time now, kind of swerved a bit into dick territory with the bondage contract he made with the hungry Egyptian peoples. It turns out the company man in him got his moral compass twisted up a bit. Enslaving people is super messed up, yo. I seriously hope the Bible takes a firm stand against enslaving people at some point.
Skipped in the Dartmouth Bible. It’s a rather silly chapter that would have bored you to tears if I’d bothered you with it.
Chapter 49: Jacob’s Last Blessings
After living in Goshen for a bit, 130 year old Jacob was finally ready to die. He drops a blessing and/or life advice each of his sons. Check it out, yo:
Reuben: Although Reuben is the first-born, Jacob gives him a totally crappy blessing because apparently Reuben got biz-ay with one of his concubines back in Genesis 35 and he was still sore about it.
Simeon and Levi: Jacob gave these jerks a condensed blessing either to budget his time or because they were twins. Don’t know, don’t care. Either way, Jacob chastises them for killing a man and tells them that they are total assholes for being murderers.
Judah: Jacob tells Judah that he’s A-OK in his book. Great job, Judah!
Zebulun: Jacob tells my man Zeb that he’s going to live by the sea. This is less a blessing and more of a guess as to where Zeb might settle in the future.
Issachar: Jacob tells him that he is “a strong ass” and that he will live somewhere that is pleasant. That’s nice.
Dan: Apparently, Dan will be both a judge and a serpent. I don’t know if it means he will become a shape shifter or what. But compared to some of the other blessings, I’d be down with it.
Gad: At some point in the future, Gad will get the crap kicked out of him but then later will come back and kick the crap out of they who kicked the crap out of him. Sounds like the story arc of Rocky I and II combined, or Rocky III as a standalone. If the Bible were litigious, Sly Stallone would be finished!
Asher: He will become a chef and get fat. Asher is the Bible’s Mario Batali.
Naphtali: “is a hind let loose; he giveth goodly words.” After careful analysis, I believe this means absolutely nothing – a little blessing filler before getting to Joseph.
Joseph: Hot damn! Jacob went on and on, praising his wonderful life as he recapped it. It was such a vulgar pat-on-the-back fest that he may as well gone down on him.
Benjamin: Jacob tells Benji that he a wolf, and he shall devour the prey. Again, I don’t know if that means Benjamin is a shape shifter, or maybe the first werewolf, or maybe Jacob was out of things to say and was making up dumb stuff out of force of habit.
And thus was born the 12 tribes of Israel. And Jacob dies.
Upon Jacob’s passing, Joseph cried and then had him embalmed. All of Egypt mourned for Jacob for a total of threescore and ten days, which is a really long-winded way of saying 70 (days). Then, the brothers took him back to Canaan and buried him proper.
When the brothers got back, they were stressed out that Joseph was going to kill them, kind of like the way Michael waited for his mother to die before he had his brother Fredo taken out at the end of Godfather II. Upon hearing this, Joseph was like, “Man, you guys is mo’ self-absorbed than a gaggle of sorority girls circling the fat on the pledges a week past bid day. If I were going to kill you, you’d know it, because you’d be dead.” Then Joseph comforted them and spoke to them kindly.
Later, Joseph said goodbye to his brothers and died at the age of 110. They embalmed him, but kept his body in Egypt.
See how laid back and forgiving Joseph is? Joseph is like the T-800 to Jesus’ T-1000, but in like a non-robotic way. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out some Terminator and Terminator 2 mythology to bring yourself up to speed.
Well gang, thanks for checking out Genesis with me. What an adventure! I got a lot of behind-the-scenes bullshit to do, so I’ll be back in two weeks with Exodus Chapters 1 – 3 along with a shiny new look and additional bonus things. Hooray for you!