Hey gang. Before I throws on my professor cap and drop science on Genesis 41 – 45, I feel like I needs to spit some facts and shine a black light on some of the media elite-shenanigans that have been goin’ down this past week. Of course, I’m talking about the Billy Maher-led hit job on my old homegirl and future Senator from Delaware, Ms. Christine O’Donnell.
Now back in the 1980’s, before I went balls deep in the spreading the word of God racket, I was the most lost soul in all of Moorestown High School in New Jersey. Truth be told, I dabbled in a virtual ‘usual suspects’ of depravities – you know, Kool™ Brand cigarettes, nitro-burning funny cars, Black Sabbath mix tapes of both Ozzy & Dio varieties, and yeah, I even a bit of the ol’ Satanism.
On your average Saturday night back in those lost times, before dusk you’d most likely find me at the Red Lobster, washing down my Admiral’s Feast with a Shirley Temple or three as I attempted to charm the Slippery When Wet concert tee off some slammin’ girly from homeroom. And if things went well, (wink wink – they usually did) – you best believe I’d be takin’ said girly back to my Satanic altar in the woods for some primo second base action and grab bag of Satanic rituals. Now, I never thought it’d get back to me (or her!), but it turns out that on one of them Saturday nights, it was none other than Christine O’Donnell that was tagging along for the Red Lobster chow down/Satanic baptism. That’s right, you media elite motherfuckers! I was the dude she was talking about. The Bibleriffs! guy!
Now, I know what you’re saying. “Say, Bibleriffs! guy. I think it’s fair to say that you are the holiest, smartest, and most Christ-like man who ever lived on this planet – possibly more so than Jesus himself. I figured you were the type of dude who rejected Satan and all of his works!”
Well, imaginary reader with the incredibly apt description of me, people change, and I mostly do reject that dude’s shit these days – AND SO DO SHE. The difference is, she always did, too! I remember that shit like it was yesterday. Girl was straight as an arrow and wouldn’t fuck around with any of my rituals – rituals like drinking the V8 that I said was goat’s blood, or scratching a pentagram into her skin with a broken piece of glass – hell, she wouldn’t even masturbate using my trusty 666 vibrator – i.e. – she was Christian as hell! (she just didn’t know it yet)
Know it, media – I’m just one more sassy witchcraft comment away from figuring out how to turn on my little built in laptop camera and go on a full-tilt, wildly undignified Chris Crocker-style rant on all of you dicks. Leave Christine O’Donnell alone! After all, many of the greatest, most sincere, and wonderfully Christ-like people have dabbled in Satanism (and/or witchcraft) and still managed to be a better than the lot of you liberal-secular-fascist-Nazi-Stalinists. Eat a dick, Maher.
Two years passed since Joe accurately read the dreams of the butler and the baker. Pharaoh himself was now trippin’ out on a series of messed up dreams that were straight up plaguing the chi flow of his head. Pharaoh put a county-wide APB for all the top shelf dream interpreters. Each one sucked worse than the last, so Pharaoh was bummed out – big time.
Then the butler was all, “Yo! I met this Hebrew dude when I did three days in the clink a couple years back. Motherfucker had all the top shelf dream interpretation skills. In fact, I was going to recommend him to you when I got out, but I spaced it.”
Upon hearing that shit, Joseph was immediately summoned to come before Pharaoh. Pharaoh told him his dream where seven fat cows got eaten by seven skinny cows. Joseph told him it meant that Egypt would have seven years of abundance followed by seven years of famine. As Joseph sprayed the science, Pharaoh was at the edge of his goddamn seat, like in the picture below.
Pharaoh was so impressed up with the prediction, he immediately made Joseph second in charge of all of Egypt. Finally, Joe was somewhat happy again.
Then, years went by and Joe stone cold ran shit in Egypt, directing the farmers to store the surplus. He had a couple kids, and when it the famine hit, Egypt was ready. Pharaoh was at that point double super-duper glad Joseph was there to interpret the dream and be the number two guy in jolly old Egypt.
All I got to say is, dreams with 7’s are always fucked up. One time, I had this dream where 7 cows floated around my head as I sucked down a gigantic 7&7 from a straw. I didn’t know what it meant at first, but then seven days later, Corey Haim died.
Whoa. That’s some crazy shit. Anyhoot, I know that Joseph isn’t technically a rapist or even an attempted rapist, but Pharaoh shouldn’t have just given an alleged rapist the number 2 spot in Egypt without vetting him a little better. Sure, Joe got all the ill theatrics when analyzing dreams, but his resume is so thin! I really do like Joseph and all, but Pharaoh should have brought him into the fold slower and with caution, even though shit apparently worked out anyway, so what the fuck am I talking about, right?
Famine! Everybody’s tummy was a-rumblin’ back east in the house o’ Jacob. Word crept in that Egypt had silos filled to the brim with all the dope surplus grains. So, Jacob sent all his sons to Egypt to score some eats except his youngest son Benjamin, Joseph’s only full brother, whom Jacob clung to like Linus on blanket.
When the brothers got to Egypt, they got all up in Joseph’s grill and asked for some motherfuckin’ corn. Though they didn’t recognize him, Joseph sure as shit recognized them boys. He decided to fuck with them, so he accused them of being spies and sent them off to the clink.
On the third day, Joseph set them free and gave them some corn on the condition that they go back to Canaan and bring back their baby bro Benjamin. Joe hung on to Simeon for collateral in case they decided to get cute with the arrangement.
When Jacob heard about the Egyptian dick (Joseph) fucking with his situation, he was like, “Aw, fuck that dude. Benjamin ain’t goin’ nowheres. Fuck Simeon.”
Ha ha! I think it’s totally dope that Joseph is fucking with his jerk off brothers. Good for him.
Famine was still messin’ with everybody’s food intake. Jacob finally agreed to let the boys go back to Egypt with Benjamin, but he was all acting like a sad sack about it. He said that they should butter up the Egyptian dick (Joseph) with “a little balm and a little honey, some spices and myrrh, some pistachio nuts and almonds.” Basically, a bunch of shit you can get at the Whole Foods.
When they got back to Egypt, they had a nice dinner and Joseph went into a secret sound proof room to cry when he saw his full-brother Benjamin. Then, he dried his tears, came back into the room and they all got wasted and snacked hard. Joseph fed Benjamin five times more than anyone else.
Joseph clearly wants to make Benjamin fat. Perhaps he always wanted a fat younger brother that he could call ‘Fatty.’
Edited from the Dartmouth Bible for reasons not mentioned. Something about a silver cup in a sack. The narrative do just fine without it. See nerd version below if you got to be a completist about it.
Joseph drops a bomb on his brothers, letting them know that he is their brother that they fucked up many years before over a coat and a couple of silly dreams that ended up being true. Check out how it went down in laid-back coloring book form:
They hug it out and then he says, “We gots to get our father Jacob up in this piece, yo!” The brothers go back to Cannan to get Jacob. When Jacob finds out Joseph is still alive, he is happy. 🙂
Hooray! Everybody’s happy! Sniffle Sniffle. Yawn.
The EXCITING conclusion of the Joseph story arc – AND THE BOOK OF GENESIS! Get pumped for Genesis 46 – 50!