GREAT MOMENTS IN HIPPIE GENIUS – September 21, 2010
Before we crack into Genesis 36 – 40, I gots to say it was a super exciting week for fans of toast, Jesus, and toast-Jesus smashups. Check the wax… some genius hippie in Vermont finally smoked enough primo tree to dream up and release The Jesus Toaster.
You know me – I’m more the gutter punk/ruthless gangster motherfucker type, with limited patience for the pedestrian end of the petrulli oil-stinkin’, hacky sack kickin’, bong water-stained poncho with a pocket full of Rusted Root bootlegs wearin’ crowd. But once in a blue moon, some ill shit pops up from out of that world – ill shit like farmer’s markets, vaporizers, and now Jesus Toasters. Click on the blue letters below and get the fuck in the know:
As you can see, my man at Burnt Impressions has messed with a bunch of toasters with varying levels of success. The Jesus Toaster is most definitely the flux capacitor of the collection. Mark my words, it will be the toaster that will take him to the NEXT LEVEL – the metaphoric November 5th, 1955 – of parody toasters.
So, whether you butter your shit Jesus side up top or on the secular side down low, this week’s Bibleriffs! is sponsored by http://www.jesustoasters.com. Now go out and purchase that shit. It’s only $39.95, and it serves as both an ironic and functional gift.
Nothing apparently happens here.
Jacob’s favorite son was Joseph, and he shamelessly let all his other sons know he favored Joseph when he hooked the boy up with a dope Donna Karan multi-colored coat, which was the top fashion of the day. All the lesser sons, who were forced to wear Chinatown DK knockoffs, hated Joseph and his fresh coat. The seeds were planted and there was no turning back. The brothers were fixin’ to fuck him permanent with a deep hurtin’.
One day while out in the field with his flock, Joseph took a siesta and had a dream about how he and his brothers were binding sheaves (sticks) in the field. All of a sudden, all 12 bundles of his brother’s sticks started bowing down to his sticks. He then told his brothers the dream.
Then, Joseph had another dream where the sun, the moon, and the eleven stars bowed down to him. The meaning of the dream was that he (Joseph) was totally awesome and better than anybody else, including his parents. Even Jacob, being a total egomaniac above favoring Joseph, got pissed off about that second dream.
The collective wisdom from the brothers, of course, was to brutally murder him. But then Reuben stepped in, and was like, “Hold up. Instead of killing him, let’s just throw him in a ditch for a bit and take his coat.” Reuben walked away, and Judah was like, “Fuck that, and fuck Reuben. I say we sell the little bastard into slavery. Egyptians always be looking to slave-up on young lads like lil’ Joey.” So, the next day in the field, they stripped him of his coat, and sold him for twenty pieces of silver* to some passing Midianite merchantmen. They dipped his coat in goat’s blood and told Jacob that he got eaten by some terrible beast while mindin’ his flock. Upon hearing that, Jacob got really sad :(.
Meanwhile, Joseph rides in a caravan to Egypt. Once in Cairo, he gets sold to a dude named Potiphar, a big time officer of the Pharaoh and the captain of the guard.
Here’s a little parenting 101 for you, Jacob. Even if you like one kid better than another, you got to act like you don’t. Otherwise, the left out kids will sell your favored seed into slavery. And that’s just not cool, yo. **(see parental warning below)
Joseph’s dreams were way stupid. If I had a little brother who tried to sell some whack ass dreams like that to me, I’d probably just give him the ol’ wet willy to counter-clockwise purple nurple, which is a sick ass combo when you are 11 years old. In fact, if you are 11 and reading this blog, try that shit out on your little brother. As they cringe from the wetness of the willy, they leave the greater nurple region wide open and it’s officially a go. (It’s also a sick move if you’re a bully on school bus, too.)
* INFLATION FUN FACT – Did you know that many years later, Judas sold Jesus to the chief priests of wherever the hell they lived for 30 silver pieces? That’s a whopping 50% increase from Joseph, who only fetched 20 silver pieces! It looks like inflation has always been a bitch – even in Bible times!
** In this day and age, the slave trade probably does not go off in Egypt like it once did. However, Saudi Arabia and Dubai are still hubs for that sort of shit, so parents, make sure your kids don’t get mixed up with ‘merchants’ with passports from either of those two countries.
Nothing of consequence goes down.
The Lord was with Joseph (figuratively) in the house of Potiphar. Recognizing how much the Lord was with him, Potiphar hooked homeboy up with the job of attendant (office manager), which for a slave, is a total kickass position. The Lord smiled upon Joseph’s upgrade, so he hooked up Potiphar and his castle up with all sorts of unspecified blessings. Shit was getting blessed all over the place, and everything for a good stretch was both dope and chill for all involved.
After Joseph got through puberty, he started pumping iron and minding his hygiene. Potiphar’s wife had taken notice of the strapping young lad and tried to sex him. She tried and tried again and again, but Joseph wouldn’t give it up to her because he was a hopeless romantic (or gay), and he wanted the first time to be with a woman he was actually in love with (or a dude). One day, she lured him into her room when the other slaves were away. She was chillin’ on the bed like a cat in heat, buck naked and presenting herself Jena Jameson-style. Joseph left the room in a huff, but she managed to yank off his cloak.
When Potiphar came home, his wife was all, “The Hebrew was all trying to get all up on top of this, but I screamed and took his cloak.” Without really looking into it, Potiphar had Joseph arrested and sentenced to prison, even though he was totally innocent.
Once incarcerated, it took all of three minutes for the warden to notice that the Lord was with Joseph (figuratively), so he immediately put Joseph in charge of the prison. Blessings were now abundant for the warden and Joseph and quite probably some of the guards and their wives.
Damn, yo! Why is my boy Joseph always getting mixed up in garment-related snafus? First he gets sold into slavery for wearing the illest rainbow coat in town, and now he gets thrown in the slammer because of some trumped up attempted rape charges – where the only ‘evidence’ is a cloak. Now that this went down, I seriously hope Joe got the wisdom to go coat and cloak free for the rest of his time in the Bible, because all that cloak and coat wearing stuff is slowing him down, big time.
I’m actually starting to like the Joseph. Sure, at first I thought he was a bit of a weenie, but the G39 really put me squarely on his side. I begrudgingly admire his restraint when tempted by the Egyptian cougar. Also, I like how he’s not all blatantly shady like his father Jacob, who is and always will be a total dickhead in my book.
I get the feeling Joseph was like the dude version of Joanie Holloway from Madmen – totally hot, but also good at the behind-the-scenes office bullshit. The only difference is Joseph rejected his lady version of Roger Sterling (Potiphar’s wife), which seemed initially like the wrong decision, but may have been the right one after all.
Chapter 40: The Cupbearer and the Baker
A baker and a cupbearer (butler) were incarcerated in the prison under Joseph’s watch because they sucked bad at their respective jobs in the eyes of Pharaoh. On the first night, they both had bad dreams. The next morning, they told the bad dreams to Joseph over shitty prison breakfast. Joseph, who fancied himself as some kind of pre-Carl Jung Carl Jung, obliged them with his interpretations.
First, the butler told Joseph of his dream where he saw a vine with three branches that formed grapes. He squeezed the grapes into a cup before handing the cup to Pharaoh. To that, Joseph say, “Oh yeah, dude. Check it out – the branches represent the amount of days before Pharaoh rehires you, because you are such an awesome butler and he knows it. But don’t forget, when you get back to him, tell Pharaoh to hook me up with a dream interpretation job, because I’m super awesome at it, as you will find out soon enough. I need an upgrade, dog. Jail totally blows.”
Then, the baker told him his dream where he had three baskets of bread on his head full of goodies for Pharaoh. Unfortunately, birds were eating it right out of the hat. To that, Joseph say, “Bummer, dude. The three baskets represent the three days before Pharaoh hangs you from a tree. Oh, and the birds represent who is going to eat you after you are dead.” Ouchy!
Three days later, Pharaoh celebrated his birthday and he totally did everything that Joseph said he would. The baker was murdered via tree hanging, and butler was set free to get back to butlerin’. He was so psyched to be not in jail and back on the job, he totally forgot about hooking Joseph up with the reference for the freelance dream interpretation job. Oh no!
Wow. I don’t like that God (through Joseph’s dreams) did kind of passive aggressive Freddy Krueger number on the baker. Even if he was total disaster in the kitchen, I don’t think my man deserved to get hanged on a tree. I imagine that’s quite a terrible way to go out. Apparently, the Pharaoh of Genesis 40 is not nearly as laid back as the Pharaoh of Genesis 12.
Boy oh boy. After hearing how the baker got it, I’m sure glad I live in modern times! Even on TV shows like Top Chef and The Next Food Network Star, the worst that can happen for having sucky food is that you get voted off the show. Back then, if your duck l’orange was subpar, you got sent to Egyptian prison before getting hung on a tree! It must have really sucked to have been in the culinary arts back then – for real!
Oh yeah. At the end there, it was really messed up that the butler stone cold forgot poor Joseph in the prison. The question now is… Will he bust out Steve McQueen Papillion-style?!?!
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!
Genesis 41 – 44 – the further adventures of Joseph! (Whom I like so much better than Jacob)