Fair & Balanced Alert!!
As you probably already know, Bible Riffs! be all about the Fair & Balanced coverage on the hot button issues of both today and yesteryear. So, with somewhat of a heavy heart, I gots to report on the Charles Darwin dream I had last night – a dream which essentially told my Kirk Cameron dream from last week to go fuck itself.
Hey, son. It’s Chuck D all up in your naptime, chillin’ the most in my tripped-out Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper underwater dolphin dreamscape. Let’s get to it: Everybody already know Kirk Cameron is my arch enemy. But did you also know that he a crazed bitch who believes in the rapture? Pardon the ad hominem attack, but those rapture believin’ folk are wiggity-whack and never to be taken seriously. You don’t have to be a famous revolutionary scientist to know that the rapture is crazy unrealistic. If you don’t believe me, read literally anything from this dipshit hub of rapture websites below.
All I’m saying is, don’t compromise the integrity of your shit just because some clean shaven half-wit sissy boy pops into your dreams and gives you guff. Showing up in dreams and giving you the ol’ what’s-what is the oldest trick in the book. Hell, I’m dead as fuck and I’m doing it right now. See? It’s easy as a motherfuck.
My message is simple. Do what you want, and fuck Kirk Cameron’s sensitive ears – figuratively, but also literally if you’re into that sort of thing.
Oh, snappy cakes. I think Charles Darwin might be right. I hereby swear that I will never again compromise my artistic integrity just because some has-been dork with dream jumping abilities tries to coax me into his worldview with some Inception-style bullshit.
Yo, Kirk Cameron! Get out of my dreams, and get into my DVR with some classic, pre-Lenard DeCaps Growing Pains episodes. But once the closing credits roll, immediately shut the fuck up, because you are hella stupid and annoying when you are not doing your Mikey Seever thing.
Look, players. I was crunching the numbers this week, and I got to say the prognosis is more grim than the last ten minutes of goddamn Love Story. It’s a fact of life – Genesis 31 – 35 is a total snooze factory. See Figure 31-1 below:
So this week, to make my job easier, I’m just going to summarize each chapter as it go by and do my overall synopsis at the end of the post. If you don’t like it, go read the US Weekly or the Wall Street Journal or some dumb ass rapture website and STEP OFF my grill.
Still in the wake of the spotted cattle fiasco, God tells Jacob and all his baby mamas (Rachel, Leah, the two handmaidens) to ditch out on Laban, for he is acting like a total fucker. Rachel and Leah are happy to ditch out their father in favor of Jacob, while the handmaidens don’t really have a say either way because they are slaves and treated like dog shit baby factories for dip shit Jacob. On their way out of town, Rachel stole her father’s gods (religious toys), which were like little trinkets that are not to be confused with actual God.
While looking for said religious toys, Laban discovers that Jacob and his daughters split. Laban then gears up his crew, and though they were three days behind, Laban eventually overtakes his bastard son-in-law and ungrateful daughters in the highlands of Galaad.
The real God tells Laban not to kill Jacob, so he just ransacks Jacob’s shit looking for the religious toys that Rachel ganked from him. After making a mess of his temporary crib, Jacob loses his cool and gets all, “What the fuck, dude?” I worked for you for 20 years. I have hooked you up with a crazy stupid amount of grandchildren. I even let you in on trade secrets for my dope cow studding technology. So what if I’m quitting? Why do you need? A fuckin’ two week notice?” Laban heard his son-in-law out and then softened up. He was all, “Alright, dude. Let’s just put a bunch of rocks on a pile and shake hands over it. After that, shit between us will be super laid back and chill.”
And it was.
Chapter 32: Jacob’s Reconciliation with Esau
As Jacob and his peoples came into the land of Seir, word came back that Jake’s brother Esau was up the road a piece with 400 armed men with a taste for pilligin’ and a deep itchin’ for murder. Jacob freaked out, so he split his caravan up so if they got attacked at least half of them would live. Then like the whiny bitch that he was, Jacob prayed up to God so that his brother would not kill him. God was busy with some other shit, so He didn’t immediately take action or call back.
When Jacob was left alone later that night, some mystery angel dude crept up on him and they started to wrestle. They wrestled all the way to the break of dawn, and Jacob got his ass kicked big time. In the morning, when they finally stopped wrestling, the victorious mystery wrestler told Jacob that he was no longer to be called Jacob, and instead will be called Israel. That’s when Jacob was like, “Oh criminy! That dude who just kicked the shit out of me around was God!”
Note: Even though God/mystery wrestler just renamed him Israel, Jacob and/or the writer decided to keep Jacob as his stage name for the rest of his bible life.
Jacob looked up the road, and Esau was there with his horde of cut throats and jerks. Jacob arranged his children and wives in the order he cared for them. Handmaidens and bastard children were the first line of defense, followed by ugly Leah and her kids, and behind them hot Rachel and Joseph.
Much to Jacob’s surprise, Esau ran up to him and greeted him with a big hug. Esau looked at all his brother’s children and wives and concubines and seemed genuinely eager to meet his numerous new in-laws. Jacob’s like, “Hey dude. Don’t kill me. I got some goats and spotted cattle and shit.” Esau says, “Don’t sweat it. The economy’s great, I’m a self made man, and things are just fine and dandy up in this. Oh yeah, and I no longer have the desire to kill you. In fact, I think we should hang out.”
And like that, everything came up roses for Jacob.
Note: Genesis 34 was cut from the Dartmouth Bible, perhaps because it was too much of an aside from the primary narrative. Boy, I wish I read it before I made Figure 31-1, because it was actually quite exciting!
Anyway, as I looked for some pictures to accompany my narrative, I came across this website.
Well, shucks. I hate to admit it, but don’t think I can top that Genesis 34 summary! That is PROBABLY why my trusty Dartmouth Bible didn’t cover it either! CASE CLOSED
Chapter 35: The Escape to Beth-el/The Death of Rachel and Isaac
God tells Jacob to pack his shit, shower up, toss out Laban’s religious toys, and get his crew on up to Beth-el. On the way there, Rachel (who was pregnant) died in child labor. Jacob buried her in Bethlehem, which was a town primarily known for being name dropped a fuckload in Christmas carols.
Rachel’s baby did live though, and his name was Benjamin. So, between all his baby mamas, Jacob now had a total of twelve sons – Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulon, Joseph, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. Mama Mia! That’s a spicy meatball! (of sons)
And by the time Jacob and Esau got back into town to see their father Isaac, he died of old age (180). They buried him.
Well, Jacob. It’s been a hell of a ride for you. You fucked over a lot of folks, you got forgiven by a lot of folks that you fucked over, God beat the shit out of you, your best girl died in child birth, and you buried your 180 year old father, who you also fucked over. You must be exhausted!
Love him or hate him, I think it’s fair to say that Jacob was the dominant player of Genesis 25 – 35. Even so, Bibleriffs! maintains that the Bible fucked up by making him the marquee dude, when obviously Esau was the stronger, sexier, and flat out better man. Esau was basically the Michael Corleone to Jacob’s Fredo. Except Esau was more Christian that Michael Corleone, because Esau didn’t have Jacob shot in a fishing boat while reciting the Hail Mary (though I might not have thought any less of him if he did).
Okay! The rest of Genesis (36 – 50) is the story of Joseph. The Dartmouth Bible knocks out chapters 36, 38, 44, and 48. I don’t know if it’s because of redundancies or because they suck, but I’m going to ride with it since the narrative seems much smoother without. Plus, I’m super fucking busy with other shit outside of Bibleriffs! and I’m itchin’ to get to Exodus.
Stay tuned next week for Part 1 of The Joseph Story Arch – Genesis 37 – 40!!!