A special Labor Day message from me… and Kirk Cameron!
Just as God dream-visited Jacob in Genesis 28:10 (spoiler alert), a fedora-wearing Kirk Cameron (God) visited me (Jacob) in a dream last night. It was in all seriousness the greatest moment of my life. Anyway, KC Masterpiece wanted me to say what up to all you Bibleriffs! readers, and also that he’s gladder than a hog in poo y’all up on the interweb getting down to the brass tacks of some heavy Biblein’.
However, the K-man did warn me that I should mind my cursing, reminding me that every time I (or you, for that matter) be using the F-curse or the S-curse in this here blog, I (you) am (is) actually slamming a spike into Jesus on the cross, kind of like the way actor Jeff Fahey slammed spikes into actor/comedian Cheech Marin in the 3rd act of the brutal new Robert Rodriguez flick, Machete (73% positive on Rotten Tomatoes) – in theaters now.
So for this week, other than the one curse-infused graphic below that I created pre- Kirk Cameron dream, this week’s Bibleriffs! is doing the straight and narrow on the curse word-free tip. Thanks a million for the constructive criticism, fedora-wearing dream Kirk Cameron!
Chapter 25: Jacob and Esau
Of course, Rebekah was barren. And when Isaac pressed God with a barrage of prayer, He eventually made her unbarren after 20 years by hooking her uterus up with a pair of twins. First born was Esau, a cunning hunter and man of the field (jack of all trades/man’s man). Hot on his heels came Jacob, a plain man who dwelled in tents (domesticated wimp). Isaac favored Esau, whilst Rebekah favored Jacob.
Later in the paragraph, they were all grownsed up. Jacob was in the tent whipping up a batch of his award winning red lentil soup, as Esau toiled out in the field doing some unspecified hard core man-stuff. When Esau got back to the tent, he was nearly dead from starvation and thirst. He asked his brother for some of that good-ass lentil soup. Jacob, who was a conniving shyster, told his older brother that he’d only feed him if he’d give up his birthright. Hungry as hell and itching hard for a piece of that red lentil soup, Esau reluctantly gave his inheritance up to his brother.
I think it’s fair to say that unless your name is Eve, God has thus far has played a lot of Tiddly Winks™ with the sexual pluming of all the marquee patriarch wives. (See Figure 25.1 below)
Figure 25.1: The Sarah / Rebekah Reproductive Model
It seems to me all the top-shelf bible girlies have to pay in with thousands of hours of prayer in order to get their man’s seed to take root. Meanwhile, your average Joe Schmo of the day was popping out brats quicker than Jon & Kate done did back before they was co-pimpin’ their litters on the TLC channel. Sure, when it comes to the patriarch wives, God always eventually fixes the problem – but I got the feeling He’s only doing it remind people how friggin’ awesome He is.
And once these two had kids, things got crooked, real quick. Their second born son, Jacob, is a straight up villain. If you take any lessons from this chapter, kids, make sure you hooks up your beefcake older brother with the red lentil soup you mixing up without conditions. If you prove you’re a team player, I’m sure your father will cut you a healthy piece of the will. Bottom line, Esau got hosed, big time.
The Dartmouth Bible eliminated verses 1 – 33. I checked it out, and it’s basically a lot of yip yap between God and Isaac about farming and more teases about having more children that will become a nation. The following synopsis and analysis only refer to the remaining two verses (34 – 35).
When Esau was 40, he got married to Judith, daughter of Beeri the Hittite, as well as Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite, which pissed off Isaac and Rebekah for reasons not immediately explained.
I didn’t know if it was the polygamy thing, a Hittite thing, or a little bit of both, but Esau’s parents do not approve of the wedding. Bottom line, I doubt Esau cared what his family thought of him – especially after that lentil soup bullcrap that went down with his piece of garbage younger brother in the last chapter.
Any way you slice it, I’m sure Esau was probably siked that on his wedding night he got to get some three-way action with a couple of poppin’ Hittite girlies.
Isaac was blind and on his death bed. He called forth his favorite son, Esau. Rebekah secretly listened at the door, General Hospital-style. Isaac’s all, “Hook your old man up with some of that fresh dope venison you always be killin’ and roasting up. When you come back with that action, I’ll give you my final, most ill blessing before I croak.” With that, Esau gets his gear together and goes out on the hunt. Meanwhile, Rebekah approaches Jacob. She’s all, “Old man Isaac is mad blind, Jake. You got to step up and yank that blessing!”
Jacob agrees, but he knows that Esau has hairy hands. They decide to put some goat fur on his own hands to mimic the hairy manliness of Esau. (100% for reals)
Rebekah roasts up some leftover venison. Jacob comes into the room and fakes it like he Esau. Isaac buys the snow job and drops his super dope, one-time-only blessing on Jacob. When Esau gets back to the fort, Isaac and he realize what had been done and both are saddened, big time.
It goes unspoken, but everybody kind of knows that Esau is sharpening his steel to whack Jacob for the double treachery. Rebekah tells Jacob to leave for her brother’s farm off in Haran until Esau cools off. As Jacob prepares to leave like a thief in the night, Rebekah begins to kvetch to both he and Isaac about how following in his brother’s footsteps and marrying a shiksa daughter of Heth (Hittite) would be like putting a dagger into her heart.
Isaac, you crazy dumb, baby. Blind or no blind, goat fur ain’t nothing like human hair on a hand. Damn, dude. You crazy dumb for falling for that.
There has got to be a rule somewhere about blessings made under false pretenses. Isaac should have told Jacob that he had his fingers crossed or something when you blessed him. Oh well. You suck big time, Isaac.
Isaac lays the law down on Jacob in order to appease Rebekah’s kvetching. “You stay away from that shiksa tail when you on the run from your vengeful brother! Your Uncle Laban got some nice daughters out in Haran. Why don’t you marry one of them?” Esau, who was listening at the door As the World Turns-style, finally recognizes that his parents do not approve of his shiksa wives. In a huff, Esau decides to move his family to Ishmael, which is a far more progressive town then the one where they currently were at.
Jacob also takes off. While camping one night on the way to Uncle Laban’s crib, Jacob has a dream in which God gives him His typical patriarch spiel – you know, “And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, east, north, south, blah blah blah.” Jacob wakes up and thinks to himself, “Damn. God be all up in my dreams. I am a special lad indeed.”
It ain’t just Esau who don’t like Jacob too much. I totally hate him too. And now that he’s on a mission to get it on with one or more of his cousins, all I gots to say is eeew, Jacob. Eeew eeew eeew eeew eeew.
Jacob traveled east until he got to his Uncle Laban’s fort in Haran. On the way to the front door, he spots a smokin’ girl who was walking with a small flock of lambs. He tipped his sunglasses at her in the exact same way ZZ Top tip their sunglasses at girls who happen by with sweet legs. Va va va voom!
It is revealed that her name is Rachel, and she is Uncle Laban’s daughter and therefore Jacob’s 1st cousin. No big deal there, right? Jacob offers to serve Uncle Laban for seven years in exchange for his blessing for the incest marriage to the P.Y.T. Laban agrees to the indentured servitude.
At the end of the seven years, Uncle Laban presents Jacob with the hand of his older, uglier daughter, Leah. Jacob is angry, but then his Uncle Laban is like, “Oh, snap. You forgot to read the fine print, boy. In this country, you can’t give the younger daughter up to marriage before the older one. But if you work for me for seven more years, I’ll let you marry Rachel as well.” Jacob knows he got played, but agrees to the proposal.
Long story short, at the end of seven years, Jacob was married to both sisters, who were also his cousins (gross). He married Rachel on credit though, so he was stuck at the ranch for another seven years.
You don’t need a biblical scholar to tell you that chapter 29 was boooo-ring. Somebody hit the snooze button already! Oh yeah, and we are all collectively grossed out that Jacob married his 1st cousins in that polygamy-incest-indentured servitude what-have-you.
Chapter 30: Jacob and the Spotted Cattle
Jacob has sons with first wife Leah, then Leah’s handmaiden, and eventually Rachel’s handmaiden. And how’s about the main girl up on the marquee? You know, Rachel? Surprise! She’s barren (see figure 25-1).
But when Rachel threatens suicide over her barrenness, God finally knocks it off with the Tiddly Winks™ in the fallopian and grants her a son. She names him Joseph, and Joseph becomes important later on.
Anyhoot, about that spotted cattle in the title. Jacob strikes pay dirt with some kind of magic rod that makes spotted cattle strong and good for studding. So, at the end of his 14 years of servitude, he ditches Uncle Laban, deciding to go back to where he came with his wives and assess and menservants and she assess and whatnot. Laban is convinced Jacob burned him somehow, and knowing how Jacob do, he probably did.
All I know is G 30 end with my homeboy Laban heating up some major beef over Jacob’s spotted cattle and all that spotted cattle dough that go with it.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT WEEK?!?!
Will Esau finally get revenge on his shady brother? Will Uncle Laban beat him to it? Tune in next week to find out!
Next week: Genesis 30 – 35 – The Jacob Story (Part 2 of 2)