This week’s Bibleriffs! is dedicated to Glen Beck’s righteous ass, whom God Himself assured me is the chosen one and not in the least bit a huckster. Congratulations on restoring America’s honor, Mr. Beck!
God shows up at Abraham’s tent along with three mystery dudes. Abraham has Sarah cook up some chow for God and his entourage. After they eat, they wonder aloud where Sarah be. She pops her head in the door and they say, “You’re going to have a son!” Sarah, like her husband done did in the previous chapter, laughed right in His face. God got all, “Don’t laugh in my face!” and she got all, “I didn’t,” which was a pretty dumb defense because she literally just did.
Smack in the middle of the ‘who laughed at what’ conspiracy, God gets distracted and turns His attention towards Sodom and Gomorrah. Sin was burning hotter than Boca Raton asphalt in August on that particular night, and God was fixin’ to pimp slap the shit out the infrastructure of the entire greater S/G metro area. Abraham, mindful that his old pal Lot and his crew lived there, asked God if he will destroy the city(s) if there are any chill people there. God tells him he’ll spare the city if there are as few as 10 righteous people within. Otherwise, KA-BLAM-O!!!
It looks likely that Sarah is going squeeze out a little man even though she hasn’t had a period cycle in 30 years. That is some wild shit, biologically speaking. Anyway, if it was around back then, she probably immediately registered at Babies я Us. It really is a great place to register for baby gifts. Heck, I even got an account with them for whenever someone in my crew pops out a seed. Check out their website if you get a chance.
No joke on the 100% serious tip, Babies я Us got all the dope baby shit.
Back to it – I was glad to see Gomorrah, which was the St. Paul to Sodom’s Minneapolis, finally get a mention. I bet the Gomorrah chamber of commerce really worked their little buns off to get on the map and into the Bible. Unfortunately, I have a funny feeling God is now going to kill the fuck out of them.
Late at night, God sends two angels to Sodom to say what up to Lot. Lot cooks them a wonderful dinner and they feast. As the angels were about to crash out for the night, the men of Sodom crept up to Lot’s front door. They wanted ‘know’ the two ‘men’ – i.e., ‘bang’ the two ‘angels.’ Lot wouldn’t hook them up with angels, but in an effort to be polite, he offered the men the virginity of his two daughters.
They declined the offer, for these particular men of Sodom were totally gay rapists, and not bisexual rapists as Lot presumed. In a fit of ass-rage horniness, they charged at Lot’s house. The angels smote them with blindness to protect their AV (anal virginity).
The next morning, the angels told Lot to grab his peoples and move. God was super-pissed off about the attempted angel rape and was gearing up to throw down the flame on the entire greater metropolitan area of Sodom and Gomorrah. As they fled, hot balls of flame rained down on the city. Lot’s wife got curious and looked back at the carnage. She turned into a pillar of salt, which if you think about it, is some for reals Wonder Twins-type shit to have happen to a girl.
Then, Lot and his two daughters get torn up on some Concord Grape Manischewitz and have a three-way. The elder daughter later bore him a son/grandson hybrid named Moab, while the younger daughter eventually gave birth to a son/brother hybrid named Ben-ammi.
Hold the phone, Lot! I gots to make a series moral judgments up in this shit:
Moral Judgment #1: As morally offensive as a late-night gay pack-rape posse is, offering the gay pack rapists your daughter’s virginities is really pouring gasoline on the flame. Lot, you truly are a messed up dude. You gots to protect your kin, homes. If you had to do it again, I say let them Sodom party boys have their way with the angels. You’ll sleep better knowing that your daughters are sleeping better.
Moral Judgment #2: Again, I’m no late-night gay pack-rape posse apologist, but these angels could have smote them party boys with something a little less extreme than blindness. Maybe they could have smote them with a belly full chamomile tea, perhaps even some Quaaludes – you know, something to cut the edge off the horny until they could be charged with felony assault.
Moral Judgment #3: I get the feeling that God considers rubber necking a more serious offence than three-way incest. I propose that the opposite is true. Lot and his daughters really should have kept it plutonic. Now, everybody gots to go to therapy, which can get expensive – especially in a single parent family.
Chapter 20 was omitted because it was just an extended remix of the latter half of Chapter 12.
Sarah gives birth to a boy. Abraham named him Isaac. Then, they had a party. It was the world’s first bris milôh, or “covenant of circumcision,” as they say on Wikipedia.
After all that hot action straight up busting out the seams of Genesis 19, the birth of Isaac kind of arrives with a dull thud. God don’t even bother to pop in for a cameo. But don’t hit the snooze bar just yet, player, because da G deuce-deuce is fixing to put a shotgun blast of unfiltered bible bass right up on your face.
Chapter 22 – aka ‘da G deuce-deuce’:
Isaac grew to be a hearty young lad and Abraham, being the boy’s father, took a real shine to him. One day, God told Abraham to gear up the donkeys and bring Isaac to the land of Moriah. Once there, Abraham was instructed by God to stab the fuck out of the young man on an altar and torch whatever’s left. Without batting an eye, Abraham was like, “Let’s do this thing.”
At the altar in Moriah, the fire was lit and the dagger was dangling above the head of Isaac. At the very last second, God sends an angel down to stop the execution. It turned out it was just a big old test. Abraham passed, and God was pleased upon realizing he could manipulate people to do almost anything, even seriously unreasonable shit like icing your own seed. God then blesses Isaac and all of Isaac’s future offspring. Then, Abraham and Isaac went to Beer-sheba, where Isaac had his first beer. (ha ha ha! I made up that last part about Isaac’s beer. It was just a play on words! Get it?)
Holy crap! Da G deuce-deuce really is some wild stuff! First, it’s shocking as hell that Abraham almost murdered his only son that he actually cares about (sorry, Ishmael). But what’s more interesting is that God totally reminds me of Ashton Kutcher in this chapter. What a wild prank! I bet Abraham’s face was redder than that time Frankie Muniz (TV’s Malcolm in the Middle) got raked over the coals by the Kutch who pretended to steal Frankie’s $250,000 Porsche while them crazy pranksters over at Punk’d pitched bad movie ideas to him (Agent Cody Banks 4 and shit). Busted!
Oh yeah. It’s not mentioned, but I think Isaac probably hates his dad now. I totally would.
Omitted from the Dartmouth Bible for reasons unknown. Basically, there’s a lot of flowery bullshit talk about burial rites and Sarah dies at the age of 127.
Chapter 24: The Betrothal of Rebekah
Abraham is ready to keel. He sends his servant on a wife hunt for his boy Isaac, who is a 40 year old bachelor. The servant finds Rebekah, a smokin’ hot virgin who lived out in Aram Naharaim. There is some sort of barter with bracelets and camels, and then next thing you know Rebekah and Isaac get married. Rebekah gets deflowered in a tent. Isaac likes his new bride and they snuggle post coitus for a little bit.
Ugh. I have to admit, certain chapters in Genesis are incredibly boring and I get all ADD when trying to read them. Genesis 24 – The Betrothal of Rebekah – is one of these stories. A whole lot of words, but not a lot of action other than the deflowering in the denouement.
Not to give anything away, but I flipped ahead and came to understand that Isaac is kind of a transitional patriarch. His pop Abraham and his boy Jacob are way more clutch in the grand scheme. So, check it out next week. For reals, that Jacob dude got a most ill story arc.
Next Week – Genesis 25 – 30 (hot all-Jacob action volume 1 of 2)