Note – Starting with Genesis 6, I’ve switched my reading translation from the New American Catholic Edition Confraternity Version (1961) to the Dartmouth Bible 2nd Edition (also 1961), which is an abridgement of the King James. This version knocks out many redundancies while offering aids to its understanding as history and literature.
Genesis: 6 – The Ark and the Flood
Man multiplied. God (and the men) saw that the women about were fair (slammin’), so men started minding their hygiene so they could make brides of all the slammin’ single ladies. Back then, there were no ugly women.
But there were giants in those days (assholes), and mankind, save for Noah and his family, all turned out to be total assholes (giants). In seeing that mankind was wicked, God tells Noah and his crew to build an ark in the dimensions of 300 x 50 x 30 cubits. He then tells Noah to pack snacks, bottled water, his wife, his sons and his son’s wives along with two of every animal without gills and get them all up in that ark. Stay righteous, Noah… God is fixing to fuck up everybody and everything that ain’t.
I don’t know how many people were on the planet in those days, but I doubt that they were all jerks except for Noah and his ass-kiss family. Also, I seriously doubt a flood – no matter how big and terrible, is going to kill absolutely everybody on the planet. Even way back then, I’m sure there were some intense Olympic decathlon motherfuckers out there that could tread water for days or just hang out on a floating branch or something – possibly even fish with their bare hands in case they got hungry.
I do feel for Noah regarding his task of getting two of each animal onto the ark. What a logistical nightmare! This is probably the point where dinosaurs got extinct. Imagine trying to get a couple of those Tyrannosaurs Rex’s up a plank onto that boat!?! Screw that! Better to let those unruly bastards die trying to tread water with their tiny little reptile arms and heavy heads then give them real estate on the dope-ass floating fortress. Homeboy gots to know that allowing them on board would just enable them to make lunch out of some of the friendlier and laid back animals – you know, giraffes, monkeys, Yorkshire Terriers, and other little dudes like that.
God amends his animal requirements for the ark. Noah is now to bring all ‘clean’ animals in groups of seven. ‘Dirty’ animals still only need to show up in two’s. Once they were all aboard, it began to rain and continued for 40 days until the mountains were covered. They spent 150 days on the high seas of righteousness before God uncorked the shit. In the interim, everybody and everything that was not invited onto the ark – babies, puppies, kittens, ponies, and even little, tiny monkeys – all died horribly, lungs filled to the brim with trillions of raindrops that fell down to earth from the windows of heaven.
At first glance, I thought dirty animals meant animals with Chlamydia or some other VD. Then I realized that clean animals meant delicious animals and the dirty meant not-so-delicious. God probably figured if Noah or one of his sons had a hankerin’ for a juicy tri-tip carne asada or a cheeseburger while out on the high seas, shit would get fucked if they only had the one steer onboard, especially since the steer was on reserve for the post-genocide studding. Unless of course, they made some sort of cyborg-steer hybrid where they replaced the parts of the cow they ate with robot parts, kind of like Luke Skywalker’s hand at the end of Empire Strikes Back. But I don’t think they had the tech for that back then, at least not on the ark. God probably would have mentioned it if they did.
After the rain stopped, Noah sent forth a raven and a dove to check out the situation. The dove came back with an olive branch in its beak, so Noah knew that the shit was chill. God then tells Noah’s family to be fruitful and multiply in order to replace all the hundreds of thousands of people He just brutally murdered. They and all their animal pals then left the ark for good. Noah immediately took one of each clean animal and burned them alive as a sacrifice onto the Lord. The Lord thought it smelled pretty good, and decides to Himself that He will never again smite man again… on that grand of a scale, anyway.
Well, Scooby Doobie Doo! When God wants Himself a brutal genocide, God gets Himself a brutal genocide!!! Damn, homie! What a harsh way to settle some ultimately small potatoes shit like rampant wickedness! Not to be a Monday morning quarterback on this issue, but how about invent a code of law for all them wicked folks instead of drowning the fuck out of them and everybody they love for a 150 days? Amongst other things, God already invented agriculture, language, monkeys – not to mention the damn sun! A code of law or at least a book on manners and etiquette really ain’t no thing but a chicken wing compared to all that epic shit! Yo God, for reals – chill the fuck out, player!
I will admit that it was nice to see God soften up after the flood and solemnly commit to never again smiting as hard as he just smit. Then again, Noah did have to torch one of each clean animal on the altar for Him to come to that conclusion. So technically, He was still showing some of those Dahmer-esk agro-sociopathic tendencies I’m starting to get a little bit turned off by.
God blesses Noah and his brood and tells them, “Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb* have I given you all things.” God then drops another dope covenant on them, saying something about how mankind won’t ever again get done in by a big ass flood anymore. Everybody is relieved.
Later, Noah opens a winery, gets plastered, and passes out naked. His son Ham sees his father’s junk. Thinking it funny, he tells his brothers Shem and Japheth. Shem and Japheth don’t find it so funny, so they go to his tent and cover up said junk. When Noah awakens from his drunken stupor, he freaks out on Ham for laughing at his reproductive organs and immediately curses Ham’s son (his own grandson) Canaan to be a servant to Shem and Japheth for the rest of his life. Poor Canaan is screwed forever because of his father’s immaturity. 350 years later, Noah finally dies at the age of 950.
You’re a real bastard. Be your own man, old man. If you get wasted and drop trou like a damn fool, don’t take it out on your grandson who wasn’t even there. At the age of 600, I think it’s high time you accept a little personal accountability for your actions, you bitter old fuck. Your grandson Canaan deserves better. I can’t believe God favored you for even a millisecond.
I bet when you died at 950, Canaan and Ham didn’t even sit Shiva for you. And I don’t blame them one bit, because you are a total jerk. And now, everybody knows you had a small penis, too.
* Did you happen to see those two little words up there that I threw into bold, italics, and an underline? Yeah, I wanted to isolate and highlight that shit in order to make it real noticeable. To all you closed minded squares out there, you best recognize that those two little words PROVE once and for all that God wanted man to experiment with all the green herbs… basil, oregano, bay leaves, and yeah, even cilantro. Use them liberally my foodie friends, and cook them shits up with any meat out there you feel like (see the first part of the quoted sentence). And if anyone gives you hell for it at the barbeque, you tell em’, “Chill out, nerd! I’m flying my freak flag – Genesis 9:3 style!!!”
Check out the second recipe down. Possum and bay leaves. It’s really good.
Japheth had seven sons – Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras. They took off and each formed their own cute little Gentile nation. Shem and Ham also had a bunch of sons with names that were equally crappy. Of note, Ham had a grandson (via Cush) named Nimrod, who was a mighty hunter before the Lord. The way Genesis 10 goes on about him, I get the impression that this Nimrod was a total beefcake.
I don’t know if it’s because Moses couldn’t write women very well or what, but Genesis 10 is a total sausage fest. Other than listing a bunch of dudes going to places I’ve never heard of, nothing really happens. But it’s not a total loss if you have a little imagination. If you’re into it, feel free to toss some fresh C batteries into the ol’ Jack Rabbit, crank it to 10, and entertain thoughts of a sweaty, yolked-up Nimrod doing pushups, shadow boxing, or beating the shit out of grizzly bear bare knuckle style with his mighty vice grip beefcake hands.
Genesis 11: The Tower of Babel
Everybody on earth spoke the same language. In the land of Shinar, they decided to build a tower of stone that would reach heaven. But then the Lord came down to earth and frowned on that shit. Just because he could, God scattered them around the earth and made them speak different languages.
Jump cut to the generations of Terah. Terah begat Abram, Nahor and Hara; Haran begat Lot. Abram married Sarai who was barren. Spoiler alert – I put in boldface some of the people/concepts that will be relevant in Genesis 12 – 19.
Okay, I’m totally with God on this one. You got to give the Man His space when he’s chillin’ at home (Heaven). Why you got to get all clingy and set up shop right up on his crib?
To the People on the Committee to Build the Tower of Babel, time for a little Relationship 101 up in the piece. Even though the Lord got y’all loins burning up all hot and horny, you got to act like He don’t. When He sees that it looks like you don’t care whether or not He’s going to call on you, that’s when He is going to call on you. And when He do, that’s when it’s cool to come closer and flirt.
But if He takes you out, never let Him past 2nd base on the first date. Otherwise, He’ll never respect you. And if He loses respect, you might wake up one morning speaking Farsi and your day job will have to fire you because you lost all your English speaking skills. If it comes to that, you’ll have to move to Iran and live under the rule of the jag-off mullahs. Life as you know it will crash and burn – Tower of motherfuckin’ Babel-style.
I think it’s totally wild that Mandarin Chinese, French, and Swahili (amongst other languages) were invented not only in one day – but on the same day, in the same moment! You’d think all the languages and dialect in the world would take thousands – perhaps even tens of thousands of years to evolve. Nope! It turns out all that shit happened real quick.
The end of Chapter 11 is a preview for the next bunch. I don’t want to give too much away, but between Abram, Sarai, and Lot – a lot of super crazy shit goes down!
Tune in next week for Genesis 12 – 17: The story of Abram!