Welcome to my virgin post. Genesis 1 – 5 summarized and scrutinized.
Genesis: 1 – The Story of Creation
God creates the earth, the heavens, light, dark, water, ferment to divide the waters (land), great sea monsters, winged birds, cattle, agriculture, man in his image (male and female), etc. As he goes along and makes all this stuff, he sees that the stuff he makes is good. And when all the good stuff that he set out to make is made, he qualifies the aggregate of all this good stuff as not just ‘good’ – but very good. Then, he takes a break.
God is no slouch, and He wastes no time dipping into some heavy, go-getter shit on the construction tip right off the bat. I think it’s fair to assume that most of the Holy Bible’s heavy lifting, at least in regards to the material and planetary infrastructure, gets done up here nice and proper.
Overall, Genesis 1 is a quick and efficient chapter, and by the time I wrapped up this tight narrative, the idea of Charles Darwin even existing gave me a tension headache. For reals! The Origin of Species alone is over 600 pages long – and it doesn’t even dip into how day and night got set up, let alone where the fuck giant sea beasts come from. Bottom line, if you’re a man on the go and haven’t the time or temperament to partition brain space for crazy conspiracy theories propagated by Charles Darwin and his liberal media elitist cronies, Genesis Numero Uno is the book for you!
Genesis: 2 – Man in the Garden of Eden
God blesses the seventh day and makes it holy. He then creates man (again), but this time out of dust. He places the man in the Garden of Eden – which is a plot of land filled of vegetables, fruit and other raw vegan staples. After God tells the man not to eat from the apple tree of good and evil, he has him name all the animals. Then, God puts him under some heavy hospital-grade sleepers and extracts one of his ribs. He then repurposes the rib into a human female (again?) and wakes him up. Adam names her ‘woman,’ which concludes his tear on naming shit. They are both buck naked but show no shame.
I think it was probably weird for Adam when he fucked Eve for the first time, because it was like he was fucking his own rib! But then again, it was probably even weirder to be Eve, because she used to be a rib! She probably looked at his chest whilst they got it on, totally freaked out by the fact that she used to live in the very chest that thrust and down on top of her – and as a rib, no less!
Aside from that messed up situation, I bet it was a lot of fun for Adam to name shit for the first time. Imagine if instead of naming cows ‘cows’, he named cows ‘robots’?!? What a crazy, mixed up world we’d live in now! I’m not sure if he named the beasts for all languages, or just in English. One day, I’ll consult a priest and/or rabbi and get back to you on that.
I got a little bit suspicious of God for putting a forbidden tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden. It’s like he’s messing with the man’s head on purpose! Even though apples are a healthy snack, I seriously hope that dude doesn’t eat one from that particular tree. If he do, I suspect God might have the mind to fuck him up on the permanent tip.
But when you boil it all down to Genesis 2’s essential message, it’s all about how it’s super weird for a man to fuck his own rib (even if your rib is super hot), but probably even weirder to actually be a rib at one point in your existence (even if you’re super hot and no longer resemble a human rib).
Genesis: 3 – Temptation and Fall
A chatty serpent calls the woman a pussy if she doesn’t try an apple from the forbidden tree. The woman succumbs to the taunt and samples it. She gives a piece to her/the man, and suddenly they know the difference between good and evil and sew fig leaves over their junk. When God discovers what has been done, he totally flips out on all parties involved. The serpent (and all serpents therein) get cursed to eat dust and wait for their head to get crushed by a heel… or something like that. The woman (and all women therein) are cursed to experience pain in childbearing and must be submissive to men. As for Adam (he is suddenly named Adam) – he gots to leave the Garden of Eden and become a farmer and eat only bread… or something like that. Also, Adam will now die eventually, and then he names his wife ‘Eve’ because she is the mother of all the living… or something like that.
Holy Macaroni! Genesis 3 gets all Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan/Godfather II up in the motherfucker! It’s like there’s a whole bunch of part 2 down ending shit going down… but it’s a part 3! Officially, I’ve seen it all.
This chapter totally gives serpents, women, apples, knowledge, and apples loaded with knowledge a bad rap. For the record, serpents – especially the ones of the talking variety – totally freak me out. But I like women, I like apples (I’m a Fuji man), and I like knowledge. As far as apples loaded with knowledge, I sometimes surf the internet on my wife’s Macintosh iBook when my PC is giving me guff. So, I’m guilty of what? Am I cursed to be a bread-eating farmer now, motherfucker? Sorry big man, but I’m not following you there.
God is kind of a dick in this chapter. Why put the damn tree up in the mix in the first place? If the man and woman don’t know the difference between good and evil, than they can’t know that disobeying God comes with consequence, even if He did warn them. You can’t give some nice folks a little slice of naked vegan paradise and yank if from them over a couple bites off an apple! Dick move, God – and petty. For reals.
To all the ladies – for the record, the agony of child birth and submission to men curses are totally fucked up and unacceptable to me. Call me Betty Freidan, but I’m gladder than a pig in slop that we got epidurals and feminism (shout out to the third wave) these days to circumvent all that ancient bullshit.
To all the serpents – you still got the death mark in my book, so don’t give me no lip! If I catch you slithering around my fort, even if you mute – I’m gonna crush yo’ damn head under my heel as God commanded. By golly, I really do hate those serpents!
Genesis: 4 – The Story of Cain and Abel
Adam and Eve get freaky sans hats and pop out a couple of sons. First born was Cain (vegan/hippie), a tiller of the ground. Second was Abel (meat eater/American), a keeper of sheep. God was having a picnic, so they both brought him offerings. The Lord praised Abel for the firstlings of his flock (lamb marinated in citrus, cloves, and mint no doubt!) but couldn’t give a crap about Cain’s offering (a basket of fruit and/or a fruit pie). Cain, who it turns out is a big time sociopath, kills his brother in a fit of jealousy. God is all, “Where’s Abel?” to Cain, and then Cain’s all, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Then God, who is omnipotent, grows tired of Cain’s monkey shines and curses Cain to be a shitty farmer as revenge for killing Abel. But for whatever reason, God seeks to keep him alive, so He promises that if anyone kills Cain, God will avenge his death sevenfold. Cain then goes to the land of Nod and makes love to his girl. They have a son they named Enoch and name a city after him. That’s when then shit suddenly spirals out of control.
Enoch begat Irad, Irad begat Mehujael, Mehujael begat Lamech, Lamech takes two wives (Adah and Zillah). Adah bare Jabal who was to dwell in tents and raise cattle. Jubal was his brother, and he was more of a harp and organ kind of guy. Lamech decides that if his great-great grandfather is to be avenged sevenfold, than he was to be avenged seventy and sevenfold. No word on whether or not God put his stamp of approval on them mathematics.
Word on the street is Moses wrote the first five books of the Old Testament, or what is known as ‘The Pentateuch.’ Moses, no offence, brother – but you needs a better editor! Seriously, what the shit, dude?
First off, Moses and whoever his publisher/lit agent was – should have divided the story of Cain and Abel and then the whole Enoch blood line what-have-you into separate chapters. It’s like we get this crazy story of animal sacrifice and brother on brother violence and celestial punishment… and then poof! One long-ass sentence later, we’re four generations down the pipe and suddenly some entitled egomaniac wants to be avenged seventy times sevenfold (490 fold) if someone gives him shit. Look, I understand that getting even is something we humans are wired to do, but getting even x 490 is really excessive. Chill out, Lamech! Don’t be such a dick with your revenge prerequisites!
Backing up, Cain should have been thrown on lockdown and put on some major anti-psychotics. It’s messed up that God let a criminal like Cain go off scot free and mix it with the nice folks in Nod as if nothing happened.
Genesis: 5 – Adam’s Descendants
Adam cranks out another son named Seth and lives to the age of 930. Seth has Enos and other sons, and lives to the age of 912. Enos to Cainan to Malaleel to Jared to Henoch to Mathusale to Lamech all are born one from the previous and all die at similarly ridiculously old ages. Lamech cranks out Noah (or Noe), says something somewhat masonic and cryptic about his boy before dying at the age of 777 a sentence later. When Noah was 500, he cranked out three sons – Sem, Ham, and Japheth. At the end of the chapter, Noah’s heart is still beating strong and he’s ready for action!
The first paragraph of Genesis 5 remixes the first five chapters into a concise summary highlighting the important shit. I get it. God created man in his own image. Yawn. Then, it just lists a bunch of dudes. I think Moses was drunk when he wrote this chapter. Ain’t nobody can live to 962 (I’m talking about your dead ass, Jared) without at least a hyperbaric chamber, which wasn’t even invented yet!
I’m not sure if the Lamech who pissed me off in Chapter 4 is not the same Lamech from Chapter 5, nor do I care. Because let me tell you this: Genesis 5 is all prologue and ultimately goddamned snooze fest in of itself. Looking ahead, Chapter 6 looks more my speed.
Tune in next week for Genesis 6 – 11.