Exodus 15 – 16

This week’s Bibleriffs! is dedicated to Billy Ray Cyrus and his brood, who were revealed last week as victims of an evil satanic-atheist conspiracy to make them wealthy and successful as fuck. Peep the wax on the GQ article:

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201103/billy-ray-cyrus-mr-hannah-montana-miley

 Yo B-Ray – You best be knowing that I’m gonna pray til’ my junk falls off for y’alls, player. I want you and the world to know that I is not down with satanic-atheist conspiracies, even though I’d rather take a full clip of hot Uzi slugs up the wazoo than listen to one of your brick-stupid overproduced hillbilly jams. You seem like a nice guy B-Ray, buy your tunes is mad corny.

This week is also dedicated to Col. Muammar Gadhafi, who my money say will be dead and dragged through the streets of Tripoli by Spring equinox. See you in hell Muammar! (NOTE: I will not be in hell myself, but rather looking down from heaven mocking him for his moral failings)

 Also, let’s just leave Charlie Sheen alone.

Exodus 15

Summary:

After the defeat of the Egyptians in the Red Sea, everybody was pumped up and ready to spray a sick collective freestyle jam. They sang a song (I trimmed up the phat and translated it to illspeak) so straps in your safe-belt for da Exodus 15 Remix!

 The Lord is exalted as you can see

Both Horse and driver got tossed in the sea

The Lord be my strength and my defense

Egyptian motherfuckers he did dispense

The Lord is a warrior and the king of town

He part the Red Sea just to watch suckas drown

He’s a pissed off homie with a lust to kill

If you try to overtake yo lungs will fill (with saltwater) 

The beat was pumpin’, so Miriam, Moses’ sister, grabbed her timbrel and started a conga line with the finest and flyest Hebrew sisters on the block.

 It was a lot like the end of Return of the Jedi when the Ewoks hosted that ill Death Star-explosion after-party jammy jam – except Miriam and her gang used timbrels instead of Stormtrooper helmets.

 After the motherfuckin’ all-Jewish Girl timbrel party wound down, they went to bed. Next day, they headed into the Desert of Shur. For three days they searched for water. When they finally found some H20, it was super crappy. Moses cried to God, and God tossed him down a stick that would make the H20 not crappy. All the thirsty Hebrews grabbed a piece of that drizzle 4 sizzle.

Then the LORD addressed his peeps: “Look here, y’all. If you listen to me real good, I will spare you of all the bullshit I sprang on those Egyptian fuckers back in the previous chapters. If you don’t, I will give you a collective bitch slap that you will not like at all.”

Then, they went to Elim where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees. They camped there for the night. It sounded rather nice.

Analysis:

The song that drove the narrative for the majority of this chapter was long and boring. If you need to take a nap or something, run your eyes across the original:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+15&version=NIV

Not to toot my own horn, but before you fall asleep while reading this, you will note that my song is actually really accurate and far more efficiently gets the same points across. I am a better writer than Moses, is what I’m saying.

Exodus 16 – Manna and Quail

Summary

Somewheres between Elim and Sinai, the Hebrews crept up to the Desert of Sin, which is not only the name of a filthy strip club outside of Reno that I one time stabbed a guy in back in ’99, but also a crappy real desert east of Egypt. The Israelites were tired, thirsty, hungry, and bored. Buyer’s remorse set in, big time. “Hey Moses – we wish we died by the Lord’s hands back in Egypt. This journey sucks balls! Yeah, we said it!”

Moses couldn’t handle the harsh critique until God pulled him aside. “Look, Moe. Hows about I rain some bread down from heaven and shit. That way, I can test to see if they’ll follow my instructions. On the 6th day, they are to prepare what they get, and that is the day there will be TWICE as much as they gather on the other days.” Or something along those lines.

“Oh, okay,” say Moses, who was pretty much used to God’s super elaborate ways to make a simple point.

The next day, the ground was covered in manna. Moses say, “Eat it now, but don’t keep any of it until morning. Otherwise, it will smell like shit and be covered in maggots. God told me that.”

Some of the Hebrews were all “Fuck that, I’m keeping that shit til wheneves I feel like eating it.” But the next day, lo and behold, those who hoarded their bread woke up pissed off and grossed out.

 So they learned a valuable lesson about storing God’s food which did not use additives or preservatives. So each morning, everyone gathered as much as they needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away, as bread tends to do.

On the sixth day, the Hebrews gathered twice as much as they normally do, per God’s instruction. The next day, there was no manna, for God invented the day of rest and they were no longer allowed to drive a car or operate a stove, even though that shit wasn’t invented yet.

The Israelites pretty much only ate this manna shit in the 40 years it took them to get to Canaan. I’m sure they got sick of it pretty quick.

Analysis:

Like Milk & Honey in the last post, if you google image “manna,” the first image that pops up ain’t some bible shit, but it is this:

http://www.evelinamanna.com/

She’s an Italian model. Fellas (and lesbians) – I say we give her website some hits.

See you in a couple weeks for more Hebrew adventures through the high desert!

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Filed under Agnositic, Athiest, Bible, Exodus, Genesis, Meaning of Life, Moses, Religion, Satire

Exodus 13 – 14

G’day Riffers! 

Big apologies about the two month gap in the holiest of blogs! First I got all wrapped up with the birth(s) of Jesus Christ and Santa Claus – and then I spent a month in Australia! Though it was a totally awesome trip, my bible-reading analysis had to take a back seat to kicking the shit out of kangaroos and crocodiles and other ill southern hemisphere shit. I also spent a lot of time applying SPF 70, which is thicker than Elmer’s and takes time to rub in. Girl, you knows my skin is whiter than Donnie Osmond to the Brady Bunchth power. I gots 2 reapply like a motherfucker! 

When I wasn’t dropping savage down under beasts with my bare hands, I chilled out in the lovely cities of Perth (west west) and Melbourne (east side). These domesticated Australia haunts are actually quite a lot like America. The only difference I noticed was that their money is totally gay. For 110% realz –  if you a buff, waxed-up party boy with a deep itchin’ to spin some banging techno and get an ill money-throwing parade going down the main strip of yo town like that crazy Joker did in the original Batman movie, you should most def use Australian currency for that action. People will be blown away about how colorful that shit be when compared to the Joker’s monochromatic money party! Check the wax on the mise-en-scène I threw together to illustrate my point: 

Plus, everybody know the aesthetics of American money only appeals to conspiracy theory nerds. Gag me with a spoon!

Alright, enough of this bullshit. Let’s get back to motherfucking Exodus already. 

Chapter 13:

Summary:

God drops da final Egypt bomb on his boy Moses: “Listen to this shit you bogan cunt; Now that I’ve iced a bunch of bitch-ass first born Egyptian boys, y’all needs to consecrate every one of your firstborns onto me. Seriously. I need me some motherfuckin firstborns for consecration. Get on that, tout suite.”

Moses say “aight” to Big Man. He grabs the bullhorn and spits science to his Jews. “Yo, God wants all firstborns consecrated. Remember that shit, and remember this day that he delivered us from slavery from dumbass Egypt. Oh, and don’t eat any raised bread on the anniversary of this day neither. Now let’s bolt. We got a fuckload of milk and honey to dip into up ahead in the land of Canaanite. That shit was promised to all y’all grandpappies, so now it’s time we cash that chip. For realz.”

As they walks out the door, Moses goes over even more rules of the seven day Passover festival – rules like when and when not to eat unraised bread and when it’s cool to put yeast in some shit. Then he let’s all the folks know that when they get to Canaanite, the first born of every womb belongs to God. That goes for both lady womb and beast womb. But there was some nuance and flex to that rule in regards to beasts. For example, you can redeem the first birth of a donkey if you want by substituting a lamb. That’s handy, I guess. Moses continues by listing a bunch more bullshit about first born sons that goes long and totally screws with the narrative flow of Ex 13. So let’s just cut back to the meat of this very important and true historical account, shall we?

The Jews started on their way out of Egypt. Originally, they were going to cut through the land of Philistines, but God thought to himself, “Fuck that route. Philistines will try to cut my lil’ homies up if they step through their turf – kind of like the way the Orphans will try and step to the Warriors in their eponymous future movie, The Warriors.” So, God directed them down a spooky wilderness road on the way to the Red Sea where nobody lived.

Moses took the bones of Joseph with him (see Genesis 50). He is glad he did, because if they didn’t, the spooky ghost of Joseph would have come after them all and reaped patriarch vengeance from beyond the grave! Wowie-Zowie! That would have made the spooky road to the Red Sea even spookier! God also hooked the Jews up with some ill navigational shit. By day, a Pillar of Cloud, and by night a Pillar of Fire to guide them. A virtual GPS – God Positioning System.

Analysis:

One of the main points to this chapter is that if you’re the type of sucka who digs on leavened bread, you need to step the fuck back and learn to eat unleavened when you celebrating Passover. So don’t be a picky eater, fucksneeze. God will mess you up real bad if you is.

I also learned that Milk and Honey don’t mean what it used to. Nowadays, when you google image that shit and all you end up with is a couple of young ladies dressed like they fixin’ to eat a stack of ecstasy pills before jumping vagina first into a cologne-smelling abyss of anonymous bathroom fucks in the Meatpacking District. I checked into this new school Milk and Honey situation, and it turns out Milk and Honey no be a German girl-girl pop-duo. I found their MySpace page. Myspace, because they are from the year 2007. 

http://www.myspace.com/milkhoney

They beats suck pretty hard, but did I enjoy the way they bounced lyrically between German and shitty English. 

Exodus 14 – The Story and Song of Salvation

Synopsis:

God taps Moses on the shoulder. “Tell yo crew to make camp at Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea – and make sure you set up camp on the shore opposite Baal Zephon. That way, Pharaoh’s dumb Egyptian ass will think y’all lost and confused so he’ll send his boys out to get a piece of y’all.”

Moses didn’t like this plan very much. “Fuck that, G. I ain’t even trying to get up on that shore opposite Baal Zephon. The shore opposite Baal Zephon ain’t a place for strategic motherfuckers like me!”

God shook his head in disgust. “No, player. Check the whole plan in it’s entirety before you shit talk it. See, what I’m going to do is harden Pharaoh’s heart one more time, so when he and his crew come at you, they is actually walking into a slickest motherfuckin’ death trap I’ve ever cooked up… in Exodus, anyway. While stuck in their deathtrap, the Egyptians will finally realize that I am God. But then they will be dead right after that.” 

“Oh,” Moses lamented. “That’s pretty sweet, I guess.”

Meanwhile, back in Cairo, Pharaoh started to flip the fuck out that he let go of all his slave labor. “Oh, snap. Why’d I do that? Who’s gonna milk my cows and shit? Who gonna wave palms over me and my crew when it gets humid up in this?!? Yo Ronnie – gear up the chariots – we going to the shore opposite Baal Zephon on a Hebrew-slave recovery mission – BIG TIME.” 600 chariots geared up. Shit was totally going down. You could feel it in the air.

It didn’t take long for Pharaoh and his chariots to reach Moses. “Oh no! It’s the jerk off Egyptians!” shouted several of the Hebrews. They were scared and cried to Moses. “You fucked us up, you dick! These Egyptians are going to kill us until we dead! Boo to you Moses, BOO TO YOU!!!”

“Chill out, damn.” Moses mumbled. “Kick back and shut your pie holes. Me and God is about to show you some 4 realz next-level shit like right now. Check this out you dumb unappreciative bastards!” 

Moses stretched his hand out over the sea. The seawaters split, giving the Israelites a nice path of dry ground with a wall of water to their left and right. The Egyptians tried to made chase, but their wheels got stuck in the mud. “Oh poopie! This mud is totally making our rolling chariot circles not go to Jews we enslaved! Uh-oh SpagettiOs!” said the Egyptians. That’s when the Egyptians finally realized once and for all that God was on the payroll of the Jews.

Moses then stretched his hands back over the sea and the waters came back down over the Egyptians. They tried to run, but that just made God laugh more as they slowly died in agony. All the Egyptians on the chase died horribly. And with that, the people of Israel finally trusted in God and his main homie Moses. For now.

Analysis:

I can’t visualize parting the Red Sea. A magic bridge would have been more believable.

 Stay tuned for next week!

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Filed under Agnositic, Athiest, Bible, Exodus, Genesis, Meaning of Life, Moses, Religion, Satire

Exodus 10 – 12

Chapter 10:

 (Let my people go, part IIX of X) 

Summary:

God, quite possibly in Jamie Lee Curtis form (why not?), appeared to Moses yet again. “Hello, Mo. Do me a solid and go before Pharaoh and yadda yadda yadda, shim-sham skip-skippity-bop-a-reno,” i.e., threaten him again with another plague. Though God was starting to sound like a broken record, Moses didn’t dare say anything to His face because God, even in amicable Activa Yogurt-pitchin’ Jamie Lee Curtis form (why not?), is still mo crazy and unpredictable than a Nazi skinhead with nothing to lose swinging around a prison shank covered in Hep C. Moses knew it’s best to give a sucker like that a wide circumference to be crazy in.

Moses goes before Pharaoh all apathetic and shit. “Let my people go… or something.”

“Hey, what’s up, dude?” Pharaoh said with a yawn. “What you got for us this time?”

Moses shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, dude – locusts, I think. Whatever.”

Pharaoh smiles and nods his head. “Bring it.”

Moses lifted his cane and thus brought down the locusts. They ate all the trees and seriously fucked that which was already not fucked from the big ass hail that rained down in the last chapter. They ate the herbs, the maize (or whatever they called corn), falafels, and all the other things Egyptian folks like to chow down on. Everybody who didn’t starve to death was now totally annoyed and grossed out by the locusts. Again, Pharaoh regretted being such a big jerk to Moses, so he invites him back to his crib to negotiate the terms of his conditional surrender. “You can go to the woods and worship your God. It’s all good. I’ll hook all you bitches up with some sweet-ass freedom once you eliminate them doggone locusts!”

Moses, who is now officially a certified dumbass in my book for believing Pharaoh again, lifted up his cane which magically tossed all the locusts into the Red Sea. Once they were gone, Pharaoh, who for the 8th time in a row had his fingers crossed, refused to lift the bondage of the Hebrews.

Enraged, Moses skipped his pointless biweekly meeting with Pharaoh and went right into the 9th plague, 3 days of darkness. At the end of that, Pharaoh brought forth Moses and says, “You know something asshole? I’m starting to get really sick of your bullshit.

“Back at you, fuckface!” Moses shot back.  

Analysis:

I’ll admit it. I am Stone Cold Steve Austin running out of clever shit to say about these plagues. They is so goddamn redundant, for sizzles. And to make matters worse, Bill Gates or whatever nerd he placed in charge of fonts for Office 2007 cut Chiller font right out the Microsoft Word rotation, forcing me to use Matisse ITC to spooky-up these illustrations. Matisse ITC is okay, but it just can’t convey the same note of terror that Chiller font always brought to the table.

Nine plagues and nobody yet has learned a goddamn thing – except that Chiller font no longer gets respect over at Microsoft. Fuck you, Bill Gates. I don’t care if you and your girl Melinda are trying to end malaria and make the world a better place and shit. You can start by bringing Chiller font back in the loop. Billy-boy, that is one spooky font! And http://www.bibleriffs.com needs it default. Trust me, I’ve read ahead to Leviticus. Leviticus with all it’s rules and regulations and shit need it some Chiller font for reals.

Chapter 11:

Summary:

God, in lovable old man George Burns form (why not?), say to Moses. “Okay, Gracie. You’ve been a real peach about the whole plague/Pharaoh being a cunt thing. This next and final plague is going to be sweet. At midnight tonight, I’m going to kill all the first born sons of Egypt. Get ready to laugh your ass off when they all die horribly.”

Moses’ jaw dropped. “You icing all the first born sons of Egypt? For realz-ies?”

“4 double 4-realz-ies,” God replied. “There will be a great cry throughout the land of Egypt, for the collective murder of all first born sons in Egypt is some shocking shit for a lot of people to handle. After that, you and all the peeps of Israel will be off to the promised land in a jiffy. Egyptians are going to be too freaked out by y’all to keep you as slaves.”

Chapter 12:

Summary: 

God tells Moses some very specific ways to make yeast-free bread and prepare lamb and/or goat for a special dinner. He then say, “Smear some of dat lamb’s blood on yo door, because any motherfucker without blood smeared on their door is going to feel really rotten the next day when their first born son is all dead and shit.”

With that, the Lord invented Passover, which to this day is still a holiday for faithful Jews, a holiday-within-a-holiday for faithful Christians (Holy Thursday), and just a regular day like any other for people going to hell (Buddhists, Zoroastrianists, atheists, etc).

When the clock (or whatever ancient caveman shit God carried with Himself back then to tell time) struck 12, God went from door to door like some sort of reverse-Santy Clause and killed all the first born sons of Egypt. Everybody in Egypt were suddenly very sad and crying a lot. LOL.

Exodus

Note: Exodus 12:31-42 is the self titled track, if you will, of the book of Exodus.

Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron. Crying, he pointed towards Canaan. “Grab your shit, your donkeys, your goats, and get the fuck out of Egypt. You killed my son you fucking dickheads.” 

Moses packs their shit and they leave. They (the Israelites) lived in Egypt for 430 years total.

The rest of the chapter (43 – 50) God and Moses discuss regulations for the Passover meal. Basically, you can be a non-Jew and celebrate it with your Jewish friends as long as you’re circumcised. Serving pork is also a big no-no.

Analysis:

It must have really sucked to be a practicing vegan/vegetarian back then. When doing His little door to door genocide, I wonder if God would have put it together if somebody smeared tofu or textured vegetable protein on their door. I wonder if He was like, “Oh yeah! I almost forgot that the Epstein family be practicing vegans. I suppose I’ll refrain from brutally murdering the little boy who lives in this house.”

I’ve been to a Passover meal or two in my day, but it was with secular, laid-back Jews. I wonder if the strict Jews do a dick check on gentiles sitting down for the feast. That would be a really awkward way to start a meal, especially if you have a really small and/or uncircumcised dick, or if you only pretending to be a man like Barbara Streisand in Yentl. 

CLICK 4 DA NEXT RIFF

In two weeks:

Exodus continues with some more shit! Pharaoh is still pissed off about something or other! Something completely unrealistic happens to the Red Sea! Be thar!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Filed under Agnositic, Athiest, Bible, Exodus, Meaning of Life, Moses, Religion, Satire

Exodus 7 – 9

Correctionz

Oh, shit. It’s plague week yo (part one of duce). But before we rap about that, I got to shine a light and apologize for a couple of bonehead things I did in the last post.

Even the dopest of all bible scholars (me) sometimes fuck up the program from time to time. My homegirl Rachel from USF pointed out some relevant shit to me in response to last week’s foreskin action that went down in Exodus 4:

Hell yeah I want to know that! If I’m truly gunning for that number one spot in bible interpretation blogs, I best be knowing that ‘dick’ and ‘feet’ is some interchangeable terms! Thanks Rachel! Also, I’d like to thank the Bible Skillz department at the University of South Florida (or possibly the University of San Francisco) for schooling you proper on the dick/feet connection! May no fucked up bible plagues mess with yo’ ecosystem – wherever you at!

I also messed up when Moses and Aaron turned their cane into a snake in front of Pharaoh. Sorry. In case you didn’t notice, last post I got a little carried away with the concept of the snake-cane and thus got a little bit ahead of myself. Though they did actually stand before Pharaoh, they actually didn’t do the snake cane until chapter 7 (see below)*.

And now, Plague Week (1 of 2) begins!

Chapter 7:

Synopsis:

When we last left off, Moses be all complaining about his substandard people skills to God. So God say, “Listen up, dude. Next time you see Pharaoh, I’m going to make him think you’re God – you know, me. But then I’m going to ‘harden Pharaoh’s heart’ (i.e., make him act like a mean old poopie-face) just so I can learn him on some destructive shit I have been planning to drop on the motherfucker. Between you and me Mo, I got a phat stack of creative-ass plagues and shit I’m straight up itchin’ to drop on homeboy. And when I do, I am going to smack down Egypt super hard and spray judgment all over everybody’s face, even though most of them probably have nothing to do with your bondage and technically don’t deserve it. Anyway, I am the Lord and I rule!”

Though Moses and Aaron thought the plan was a bit over-elaborate, they went with it anyway. And they are now 80 and 83, respectively. When Pharaoh see them, he was like, “Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. Pee-pee Pants’! For some reason, I know you are God. But for some reason, I also don’t care. Therefore, I ain’t freeing shit. But show me some top shelf Hebrew magic tricks before you get out of my face!”

*Aaron then threw down the cane (for the first time) and it turned into a snake. Pharaoh was like “Whoop-de-fucking-do.” Pharaoh’s magicians come in from behind the throne and did the same trick right back at Aaron and Moses. Moses was like “Oh dang! We totally got served!”

But then Aaron’s like, “Not quite. Check this shit out, motherfuckers!!!” With that, Aaron’s top shelf magic snake cane slithered up to Pharaoh’s bootleg magic snake canes and sucked them down in one gulp like some dude in a navy blue hoodie tossing down a White Castle burger.

Pharaoh shrugged his shoulders and yawned. “Whateves. I still don’t give a rat’s foot (dick).” Bummed out, Moses and Aaron split.

The next day, God tells Moses to go to the Nile with the snake cane. “But instead of turning the cane into a snake, use the cane to turn the Nile into a river of blood. The fish will die and everybody will be freaked out. And Pharaoh will totally be grossed out by it! You going to laugh your ass off when you see how much blood will be everywhere.”

So, Aaron initiated Plague Numero Uno and everybody, except for vampires, got really thirsty. Pharaoh, though totally grossed out by, didn’t budge with the Hebrew bondage issue.

Analysis:

Man, I bet the Red Cross would give its metaphoric left nut to hop on a time machine and get back to ol’ Egypt and scores them up some of that river-blood for today’s blood banks. It would probably save a lot of lives. But unfortunately, that flux capacitor shit is totally unrealistic, so let’s all give blood right now. For reals.

http://www.redcross.org/portal/site/en/menuitem.d8aaecf214c576bf971e4cfe43181aa0/?vgnextoid=d0061a53f1c37110VgnVCM1000003481a10aRCRD

I bet vampires would love this story of Plague Numero Uno if the Bible didn’t burn their hands when they touched it or make their eyes explode when they read it. If I ever met a vampire, I would totally tell him/her the story so they could appreciate it. Then, I would probably kill he/she, because vampires, even the laid back Mormon hippie ones in the Twilight series, are technically cannibals. Cannibals are not only repulsive and totally insane, they are also like ticking time bombs when around regular folk like you and me (unless you are reading this and you are a vampire). Because if they (vampires/cannibals) get hungry, you will start to look like h’ordeuvres to them. Yikes!

The bible always be changing fluids into other fluids. I know that later on Jesus turns water into wine, and then wine into blood, or more accurately, ‘blood that still tastes and looks exactly like wine and it is either symbolic or literal metamorphosis depending on where you hang your church hat on Sunday.’ Either way, I think it would be rather dope if I could alter the chemical makeup of liquids. I would probably go down to Trader Joe’s and turn some crappy-ass two buck chuck into good wine and throw a party for the fanciest people in all of Manhattan!

Next thing I would do is turn children’s tears into hot chocolate. That way, if a kid gets sad or cranky, she/he could comfort her/him self with some nice hot chocolate that was pouring out of their tear ducts which would make them happy again so they’d stop crying on the cross town M96 bus when I’m trying to read the goddamn Reader’s Digest large print edition.

Then, I would turn water into gasoline and join OPEC.

Chapter 8:

Synopsis:

A week later, the water went back to normal. Then God say, “Moses! Go back to Pharaoh and tell him ‘to let my people go or a plague of frogs is going to mess up the situation. Frogs are going to come out of the river and be everywhere from ovens to kneading bowls to all up in your grill hopping and making ribbit sounds and it will totally be annoying.’ Do it now, man!”

So, Moses did it and Aaron raised his staff again over the Nile and immediately the water was clogged up with frogs and they started hopping all over the joint. Attack of the frogs, yo!

Pharaoh didn’t like this plague so much. He begged to Moses, “Please! Tell God I’m sorry I’ve been fucking with him. Tell him to lift the plague and I will let your people go. Really, I totally, totally, totally means it for totally reals.”

So, Moses called to the Lord and the Lord stopped the plague. All the frogs died and they put them in big pile that started smelling up Egypt real bad. Pharaoh, who had his fingers crossed when he begged Moses for the repeal of the frog plague, refused to set the Hebrews free because he was pissed off that God made Egypt so smelly.

So, this pattern continues for the rest of the chapter with gnats and then flies. At the end of the chapter (post flies), Pharaoh is still a total dick about freeing the Hebrews and Moses is super-fucking pissed off.

Chapter 9:

Three more plagues get dropped on Egypt. First, God murders all the Egyptian livestock so nobody could have cheeseburgers in Egypt no more. Boo! Then, He gave them a plague of festering boils, which totally sucked and was grodie – especially for teens! Pharaoh still wouldn’t play, so God sent down a plague of softball-sized hail which killed everybody caught outside in it except for those who lived in Goshen (Hebrews).

Pharaoh begged Moses. “No, for reals this time. End the plague and I will set y’all free. Really, really, really. I swear on my grandmother’s pyramid where she is mummified.”

Moses say, “Alright dude. I totally believe you.”

So, Moses called onto the Lord to stop the rain. He did, but again Pharaoh was crossing his fingers. Moses lifted he fist up to the sky and screamed to Pharaoh, “You are such a goddamn leg (dick)! I am totally mad at you now, for reals!”

Analysis:

According to the good folks at Answers.com, there are 10 plagues total. We’ve only hit seven so far, so

1. (Exodus 7:14-25) rivers and other water sources turned to blood (‘Dam’)
2. (Exodus 7:26-8:11) amphibians (commonly believed to be frogs) (‘Tsfardeia’)
3. (Exodus 8:12-15) lice or gnats (‘Kinim’)
4. (Exodus 8:16-28) wild animals (‘Arov’)
5. (Exodus 9:1-7) disease on livestock (‘Dever’)
6. (Exodus 9:8-12) unhealable boils (‘Shkhin’)
7. (Exodus 9:13-35) hail mixed with fire (‘Barad’)

So, what the fuck are the next three? Looks like you got to wait until next week to find out! (or just go to the top of the page and look at the scroll)

Thanks for reading, and check out the link below if you want to see some ill bible shit go down in Lego form.

http://www.thebricktestament.com/exodus/index.html

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Filed under Agnositic, Athiest, Bible, Exodus, Meaning of Life, Moses, Religion, Satire

Exodus 4 – 6

 

Chapter 4:

Synopsis:

God, still shredding up the scene in His burning bush from, tells Moses to let all the Hebrews from around the way know that they is all now officially in cahoots. Moses, who knows it’s a hard sell to get your kin to change up their shit because you shared words with a burning bush, gears up to get his kvetch on when God cuts him off. God say, “Throw down your staff to the ground and check out what happens.” Moses do it, and his staff turns into a snake. Moses flips out as the snake chases him in circles as it tries to bite him in the face. God then say, “Don’t be such a pussy, Moses. Grab the thing by the tail and it will turn back into your staff.”

Moses gathers his courage and grabs the snake by the tail, and just like God say, it turns back into his staff. “Oh shit! That shit was phat as shit!”

God was all, “Yeah it was. Now check this one out; Put your hand in your pocket and take it out.” Moses followed God’s instructions. When he took his hand out of the pocket, it was suddenly all fucked up and leprous.

Moses got fucked up hands

“Ouchie! What’d you do, man?” Moses yelped. “Why’d you give me hand herpes?”

God laughed. “There’s no such thing as ‘hand herpes’ you dumb bastard! It’s called leprosy. But chill out, dude. Put it back into your pocket and pull it back out again.” Moses did what God say, and when he took it back out, it was all normal and shit again. “Oh snap! It’s all good now.”

“That’s right, Moses,” God continued. “Now you got two dope ass magic tricks to make people believe that you and me is in cahoots. And if they still don’t believe you after dropping them bombs, you can also take water from the Nile and turn it into blood.”

“That’s sick!”

“Fuck yeah, that’s sick. I invented sick. I’m God, motherfucker!”

Though now fully loaded with a trilogy of dope new magic tricks, Moses was starting to get weirded out by God. He gets all, “Thanks for all the attention, oh greatest master of the universe. But can’t you have someone else do this? I’m like… terrified of public speaking.”

The Lord God rolled his eyes. “Goddamn, you suck, dude. I guess I’ll get your brother, Aaron the Levite to help you for a little bit until you feel comfortable addressing crowds on your own.

With that, Moses packs his camel and goes back to Egypt. God instructed him to do all his new dope magic tricks in front of the Hebrews to prove how awesome He is. Then, he was to step up to the new Pharaoh and treat him like a bitch and then threaten to kill his first born son in order to pressure him into freeing the Hebrews.

So, on the way to Egypt, at a place where Moses and his family had stopped for the night, the Lord rather suddenly decided to kill Moses because he had forgotten to get their son circumcised. But Moses’ wife Zipporah, who was a hella quick thinker, whipped out a flint knife and quickly circumcised her son before God had a chance to ice Moses. She then touched the boys feet with the foreskin and said to God, “Look dude, I chopped off the foreskin. Chill the fuck out and leave us be.” After that, the Lord left them and the severed foreskin alone.

Then Aaron, Moses brother, met him in the desert. Moses showed him all his dope magic tricks and Aaron was super fucking impressed with that shit, and he knew the elders of Israel would be impressed too. And they were. They immediately started worshiping God at that point, for His magic tricks were far too great not to worship.

Analysis:

Man, I want me a goddamn snake cane more than anything. I bet if I had a snake that turned into a cane, the CIA would be all up on me trying to gank it. There’s an old saying where I come from that applies here – “a motherfucker with a snake cane is a motherfucker in demand.” That is some ill technology/sorcery for sure!

 It was probably a good thing that I didn’t have a snake cane back in junior high, or I bet half the kids on my bus would be dead. Shit always got out of hand on that ol’ bus, and the snake cane would have fucking thrived probably a bit too well in that unstable atmosphere.

Oh, there’s actually a really important message here – if you get word that God is fixin’ to kill you, the best thing to do is circumcise the closest uncircumcised penis to wherever you standing and put the severed foreskin on your foot like it’s a mini little hacky sack. Remember that shit, yo. God totally hates foreskin, even though he invented it.

Chapter 5

Synopsis:

Moses and Aaron go before the Pharaoh. They say that he gots to let the Hebrews go so they can throw a party in God’s honor in the woods.

Pharaoh got all whatevs on the brothers. He say, “I don’t know this ‘God’ dude, you speak of. So, there will be no party for religion nerds in the woods while I’m running shit. Now git on out of here and make some bricks and get the fuck out my face!”

Aaron looks over to Moses. He didn’t have to say it. “Activate snake cane” was implied with his raised eyebrow.

Pharaoh had seen some shit in his day, so like the picture say, he don’t give a fuck.

Moses and Aaron are whisked off. Pharaoh commands his slave drivers to up the brick making quotas on the slaves without providing them the raw materials because he’s a total dick. Everybody then got pissed at Moses, because obviously, he can’t negotiate for shit. Moses yelled up to God. “Why’d you make me go before Pharaoh? I told you! I can’t negotiate for shit!”

Chapter 6:

Synopsis:

God quickly replied to Moses. “Pharaoh did what? Oh, man. I’m going to fuck that sucka up on the permanent tip. Oh, and by the way, my name is Yahweh. This is the first time I be revealin’ my real motherfuckin’ name to anybody. Believe that shit. And also, I’m still going to hook your peoples up with the land of Canaan and shit. I know that shit is dragging along, but chill out.”

God then told Moses to go before his peoples and tell them everything he just told him. They were bummed out and tired from their new, even crappier slavery treatment that just came down on them, so they were kinda in ‘fuck Moses’ mode. Moses again whines about how he is a bad public speaker.

Analysis:

Moses, who only four chapters ago murdered a dude, is getting really hung up about this public speaking-negotiating thing. Dude, you’re a murderer! All I’m saying is, beating a man to death has got to be harder than public speaking or negotiating some shit. I’d rather public speak for like 10 days in a row than kill a dude. Murder is very illegal!

God is sending Moses on a wild goose chase like he pledging TEΦ or something. TEΦ was a fraternity back at my college where all these dickbags wore purple sneakers and submitted to shit because they were weak minded motherfuckers. Anyway, they dissolved their charter because of some date rape allegations. What do this have to do with Exodus 6? Well, I guess the message is, think for yourself and be your own man, Moses/ TEΦ pledges. God/TEΦ brothers is/are treating you like dogshit.

Next week – God totes commits genocide! Moses acts slightly less like a whiny baby! It’s still a total sausage fest! It’s Exodus 7 – 9 playerz!

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Exodus 1 – 3

Dearest motherfuckers,

Genesis is now behind us and I hopes to God you learned a lot of bullshit about that shit. Though I would love to go back and milk every last drop of wisdom out of it, that would kinda be like continuing the band Genesis without charismatic front man Peter Gabriel. And that would totally blow.

Peek those millionaire assholes that I Photoshopped a translucent Ghostbusters sign over. What the hell are they looking at over they shoulder? The goddamn past?

Anyhoot, Exodus is where the party at now, playerz! Spoiler Alert! I read ahead, and let it be known that Exodus is both gnarly and badass, just like the intense thrash metal band with the same name (Exodus) who once had Kirk Hammett in their ranks before he defected to Metallica in 1983. Ergo, get pumped, yo, for a brand new chapter in the dopest book ever written is abouts to fly at yo’ face like poo in prison.

So, without further ado…

Chapter 1:

Synopsis:

Time passed, and all yo favorite homies from the book of Genesis, except God, is now long dead. But the decedents of the sons of Jacob continued to spray their seed and were hella fruitful Egypt. The Hebrew crew grew, and they was large (literally) and motherfuckin’ in charge (figuratively).

A new Pharaoh came into power. Unfortunately, this new Pharaoh was always getting his narcolepsy on during Social Studies class as a youngster. Therefore, he had no idea who Joseph be when he laid on his crown. He developed a crazy theory that all these Israelite folks were gonna get all sleeper cell on the Egyptians and help phantom invaders get in and gum up their shit, kind of like the way Americans who live in the middle of nowhere and watch too much Hannity or some shit freak out about Arabs and atheists (or the dreaded Arab-atheist!) doing the same thing here in America.

So, Pharaoh enslaved the fuck out of the Hebrews to make sure they don’t fuck shit up.

Then, shit got even worse! Pharaoh told the Egyptian midwives to murder, like right in front of they mama they just met face to face, any Hebrew boy that comes out the womb. But the midwives, who were scared of God and/or thought babies were too cute to murder, totally wouldn’t do it.

When Pharaoh found out that the midwives weren’t killing the babies, he was like, “Fuck y’all. From now on, you best be tossing them Hebrew boys in the Nile, or I’m gonna get super pissed off.”

Analysis:

Holy crap! This new Pharaoh is totally psychotic! You best duck the fuck down and stay on the DL, newborn Hebrew boys!

Wait. Where the fuck God at? If he don’t show up soon, people are gonna stop believing in him!

Chapter 2:

Two cousins from the house of Levi got married and made love one night until the sun came up. A boy was born nine months later, and the baby mama hid him from Pharaoh. Three months later she got tired of playing hide the baby, so she put him in a papyrus basket and sent him down the Nile. You’d think she’d be upset about it, but everybody involved, including the farm animals, were chill with it enough to smile (see below).

Pharaoh’s daughter found him while bathing and was like, “Oh, shit – free Hebrew baby, bitches!” She named him Moses, and kept him as her own. Score!

Moses became a man. One day, he was chillin’ on the corner when he saw an Egyptian dude beating the fuck out of some Hebrew dude. Glancing around, Moses saw no one so he crept up on that mean old Egyptian and killed him with a big brown Fred Flintstone club. He hid the body in the bushes.

The next day, Moses again was chillin’ on the corner. This time, he saw a couple of Hebrews dudes throwing bare knuckles at each other like they was in a Guy Ritchie movie or something. He didn’t know what to do, kill them both, save them both, or see which one was more Hebrew and take his side. He asked them what was up. One said, “Yo! It’s the dude who killed the Egyptian the other day and thought he got away with it. You in BIG trouble, dude!”

Moses was scared, and he was sure his goose was cooked. He thought nobody had peeped him commit murder and then hide the body! But alas, everybody knew that shit – from the the local baker, to the bare knuckle brawlers, all the way up to Pharaoh.

Pharaoh tried to kill Moses, but Moses was too slick for him and managed to creep out of town to a place called Midian. Once there, he met a nice girl named Zipporah. They fucked and had a kid named Gershom. Then, while still in hiding, Pharaoh died. And then God suddenly remembered his covenant(s) with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and had renewed concern for Hebrew wellbeing.

Chapter 3

Synopsis:

One day, while Moses was tending flock for his in-laws, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a burning bush. God spoke from the bush and said what up to Moses. Moses was totally tripped out by the burning bush, because that shit is atypical.

God told Moses to shut the fuck up so He could spill out his dope revenge plan to trip up them Egyptian assholes and then bring the Israelites to a place where there is milk and honey. Moses was then like, “What’s your name, dude?”

God’s like, “I am who I am,” which is something Eminem once said in a song, I think.

Then Moses was like. “Cool. But for real, what’s your name, flaming bush dude?”

“The Lord!” yelled God. “And fuck all them Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. We going to kill those bitches together! Now crew up and let’s get going to Israel, motherfucker!”

Analysis:

That’s what I’m talking about! Looks like we got the old genocidal God back! Hooray!

When God start spittin’ about milk and honey and shit, I gots to admit I started jonesin’hard for a bowl of them Crispy Wheats n’ Raisins. But guess what I found out, yo? They don’t even make them shits no more!

RIP, CWn’R. Check out this commercial and remember the good times.

But seriously kids, burning bushes is a major fire hazard. If you ever see one, you ought to put it out as best you can and call the fire department.

Tune in next week. Murder! God! Moses! Shit is certainly heating up next week!

NEXT WEEK – EXODUS 4 – 5

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Genesis 46 – 50

Yeah boyeeee!

It’s been one hell of a week for all my Protestant schism motherfuckers out there who are sick and tired of all the free press that dusty ol’ Roman Catholic Church always be cashing in on when it comes to sexual abuse scandals. That’s why this week’s Bibleriffs! is dedicated to the hottest sociopath-hypocrite child molester in the Protestant clergy – Mr. Big Time himself… Bishop Eddie Long!

Way to go, Eddie! Your google stats right now are straight up BLAZIN’. Now, let’s finish up Genesis and have a party!

Chapter 46: Jacob’s Migration to Egypt

Synopsis:

Though he was full of doubt about both the trip and the final destination, Jacob packed up the camel, a herd of cattle, and his 66 member family and headed west towards Egypt to be with little Joe, the top-notch motherfuckin’ ace of all Egypt proper. On the way, he stopped in Beer-sheba and God put on his therapist hat and appeared to a stressed out Jacob. God was all, “Cool out, Jacob, don’t project your anxieties onto Egypt. It’s super laid back there for you and your people.” (for now! See Exodus)

When they get to Egypt, Joseph tells Jacob that he’s going to have to hook them up with a crib just outside of Egypt in a land called Goshen. Since they were shepherds, whom Egyptians considered to be an abomination, the new host nation didn’t feel inclined to mix with them Hebrews, which was news to Jacob.

Analysis:

Oh snap. There ain’t nothing worse than showing up to a joint under the false assumption that your host will have minimum expectations for you, only to find out  they need you take off your shoes before you walk in, or unironically pray before a meal, or make you live down the street because they find your day job repulsive. That blows!

Chapter 47:

Synopsis:

Joe tells Pharaoh that his pops is here and wants to settle in Goshen. Pharaoh say “Coolio.”

After the Goshen shit got settled, new administrative problems pop up as the world-wide famine got hella worse. After selling the corn and grain from the silos back to the Egyptians for many years, all the regular Joe Schmo Egyptian folks stone cold ran out their Benjamins. Joseph cooked up the idea to barter food in exchange for their livestock. That worked for a bit, but eventually, the Egyptian Schmo’s ran out of livestock, too. So Joseph bartered them food in exchange for their land and their servitude. They agreed, and from then on, the Egyptians were required to give the Pharaoh one fifth of all of their produce. They didn’t seem to mind, though. Slavery tomorrow was better than no tri-tip and corn cob on the Barbie today, right?

At the end of the chapter, when Jacob/Israel is getting close to death, he brings Joseph to him, and makes him promise not to bury him in Egypt. Instead, he is to be buried in the same land where his fathers are buried.

Analysis:

Man, this chapter is more boring than the fine print download legal agreement that I never read when I’m downloading some bullshit off the interweb. Motherfuckers, you know I just click ‘except’ when I wants my software. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this blog, I gots to read the fine print.

Joseph, who’d been my main dude for some time now, kind of swerved a bit into dick territory with the bondage contract he made with the hungry Egyptian peoples. It turns out the company man in him got his moral compass twisted up a bit. Enslaving people is super messed up, yo. I seriously hope the Bible takes a firm stand against enslaving people at some point.

Chapter 48:

Skipped in the Dartmouth Bible. It’s a rather silly chapter that would have bored you to tears if I’d bothered you with it.

Chapter 49: Jacob’s Last Blessings

Synopsis:

After living in Goshen for a bit, 130 year old Jacob was finally ready to die. He drops a blessing and/or life advice each of his sons. Check it out, yo:

Reuben: Although Reuben is the first-born, Jacob gives him a totally crappy blessing because apparently Reuben got biz-ay with one of his concubines back in Genesis 35 and he was still sore about it.

Simeon and Levi: Jacob gave these jerks a condensed blessing either to budget his time or because they were twins. Don’t know, don’t care. Either way, Jacob chastises them for killing a man and tells them that they are total assholes for being murderers.

Judah: Jacob tells Judah that he’s A-OK in his book. Great job, Judah!

Zebulun: Jacob tells my man Zeb that he’s going to live by the sea. This is less a blessing and more of a guess as to where Zeb might settle in the future.

Issachar: Jacob tells him that he is “a strong ass” and that he will live somewhere that is pleasant. That’s nice.

Dan: Apparently, Dan will be both a judge and a serpent. I don’t know if it means he will become a shape shifter or what. But compared to some of the other blessings, I’d be down with it.

Gad: At some point in the future, Gad will get the crap kicked out of him but then later will come back and kick the crap out of they who kicked the crap out of him. Sounds like the story arc of Rocky I and II combined, or Rocky III as a standalone. If the Bible were litigious, Sly Stallone would be finished!

Asher: He will become a chef and get fat. Asher is the Bible’s Mario Batali.

Naphtali: “is a hind let loose; he giveth goodly words.” After careful analysis, I believe this means absolutely nothing – a little blessing filler before getting to Joseph.

Joseph: Hot damn! Jacob went on and on, praising his wonderful life as he recapped it. It was such a vulgar pat-on-the-back fest that he may as well gone down on him.

Benjamin: Jacob tells Benji that he a wolf, and he shall devour the prey. Again, I don’t know if that means Benjamin is a shape shifter, or maybe the first werewolf, or maybe Jacob was out of things to say and was making up dumb stuff out of force of habit.

And thus was born the 12 tribes of Israel. And Jacob dies.

Jacob dies 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 50:

Synopsis:

Upon Jacob’s passing, Joseph cried and then had him embalmed. All of Egypt mourned for Jacob for a total of threescore and ten days, which is a really long-winded way of saying 70 (days). Then, the brothers took him back to Canaan and buried him proper.

When the brothers got back, they were stressed out that Joseph was going to kill them, kind of like the way Michael waited for his mother to die before he had his brother Fredo taken out at the end of Godfather II. Upon hearing this, Joseph was like, “Man, you guys is mo’ self-absorbed than a gaggle of sorority girls circling the fat on the pledges a week past bid day. If I were going to kill you, you’d know it, because you’d be dead.” Then Joseph comforted them and spoke to them kindly.

Later, Joseph said goodbye to his brothers and died at the age of 110. They embalmed him, but kept his body in Egypt.

Analysis:

See how laid back and forgiving Joseph is? Joseph is like the T-800 to Jesus’ T-1000, but in like a non-robotic way. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out some Terminator and Terminator 2 mythology to bring yourself up to speed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T-1000

Well gang, thanks for checking out Genesis with me. What an adventure! I got a lot of behind-the-scenes bullshit to do, so I’ll be back in two weeks with Exodus Chapters 1 – 3 along with a shiny new look and additional bonus things. Hooray for you!

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